


iBoss

by Dreamehz



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Universe - Bloodswap, Fan Adventure, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Fun, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Pesterlog, Rare Pairings, SBURB, SGRUB, Troll Romance, Troll Serendipity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-06
Updated: 2013-11-12
Packaged: 2017-12-17 20:23:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/871597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreamehz/pseuds/Dreamehz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In Which The Trolls Are Bloodswapped And Find Themselves Enjoying Everything SGRUB Has To Offer.</p>
<p>Packaged contents include but are not limited to: An average level of troll drama, exploring SGRUB in earnest, everyone filling their quadrants without overlapping because the author thought it would be funny and then proceeds to write every pairing seriously, and lots of friendshippy goodness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Feferi Peixes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So basically this bloodswap has literally been stuck in my head for almost two years. I can't draw worth shit so have a fanfic instead of a fan adventure. ~~No one asked for this, but I don't care at this point.~~
> 
> If it seems rushed, that's probably because it is. I'm so tired of my own perfectionist tendencies and the writer's block it enforces, so I've decided to not care for a while.
> 
> Also Feferi and Eridan are still seadwellers despite the fact that only the aristocracy are seadwellers in canon. ~~Don't kill me.~~
> 
> Enjoy?

**> Be the mutantblood.**

Talk about RUDE. Your blood color may be considered abnormal by society now, but you have plans to change those perceptions.

Your name is Feferi Peixes and you are one of two leaders of a rebellion intent on the overthrow of the dictator.  Right now it’s just a ragtag group of your friends, but one day it will grow and you will succeed.  It has to because otherwise you and all of your friends are slated for culling.

In the meantime you like to engage in friendly roleplaying scenarios, be it text or FLARP. Your friends recognize the dangers of FLARPing with your blood color and insist that you only play it with friends, and only for fun.  You agreed, if only to keep them off your back about it.

You also used to love playing with your lusus and housing a makeshift adoption facility out of an underwater cave, feeding and caring for the various cuttlefish and aquatic hoofbeasts in the sea beneath your hive. It more or less amounted to one big roleplaying scenario, but that’s okay because you like roleplaying and cuttlefish are just so cute and funny.

You can’t really do that anymore, though. Not since the incident where your hive was destroyed. You’ve since been living with a friend of yours, which has been really great and all, but all of your friends keeping breathing down your back because of that incident and it's really starting to bother you.

**> Troll one of your friends.**

You would do that, but there are two problems. One is that your husktop is currently turned off. You quickly remedy that problem without a hitch. It does take a while to start up, though.

The other problem is that it’s very early in the night right now. All of your friends are most definitely sleeping soundly in their recuperacoons.

The only reason your up so early is because you just could not sleep last night! You are just too excited!

**> Clean up.**

This place is a mess. You immediately feel really bad upon noticing just how many taxadermic cuttlefish are littering the floor. It’s not like this is your hive or anything!

You start picking them up one by one and capatchologuing them into your sylladex. The Dump Modus is great for situations like this.

**> Equip candent.**

You’re sure to equip your weapon of semi-choice. You used to own a more powerful ψdon’s Entente, but you believe it was destroyed along with your hive. Your roommate made you a new 2X3DENT, though!

Although it’s really nothing more than a bunch of Tab cans structured in the form of a double trident. It was a sweet sentiment, though.

However, you don’t really know how it’s held together. It can’t be tape or else you would probably be able to see or feel it. Magnets maybe?

**> Be distracted.**

Suddenly a beeping noise breaks your train of thought.

It turns out to be your Trollian alerting you to a new message. You wonder if it’s a message you received while offline or if someone happens to be awake early just like you.

**> Be distracted X2 COMBO.**

You do just that. Right outside your window is a humongous pile of Tab cans. You unintentionally stare at it longer than you mean to.

Your roommate drinks a lot of Tab and just kind of throws them on the pile. You’ve seen him and his moirail use said pile for feelings jamming and you also think he crushes the cans down and uses them to make spare parts or something.

You’re roommate is a strange guy, but not altogether bad. Just weird. And really unlucky.

**> Don’t forget to check your messages!**

Oh yeah! You stop musing over the pile and check who messaged you.

It’s Gamzee. Oh dear. It would appear he is being paranoid again. You’d best put an end to his shenanigans before he hurts himself.

\-- cordialArtisan [CA] began trolling caballingGrifter [GG] \--   
CA: HeYa tHeRe sOuL SiStEr.   
CA: FaNcY SeEiNg yOu oN So eArLy.   
CA: FeFeRi?   
CA: ArE YoU ThErE?   
CA: SiS, tHiS IsN’T FuNnY.   
CA: PlEaSe aNsWeR Me.   
CG: GAMS----EA!   
CG: I’m rig)(t )(ere silly!   
CG: I just got distracted by my new roommate’s flipping –----ENORMOUS pile of cans outside.   
CG: T)(e t)(ing is so monstrous in size it’s )(ard not to get drawn in!   
CA: Oh oKaY.   
CA: FuCk wAiT.   
CA: I JuSt fReAkEd oUt oVeR NoThInG AgAiN, dIdN’T I?   
CA: I HaVe tO ApOlOgIzE FoR My mOtHeRfUcKiNg nErVeS AgAiN.   
CG: PS)()()()()()(!   
CG: Don’t even sweat it big guy!   
CG: I know you meant not)(ing by it. 38)   
CA: AnD I’M GlAd fOr tHaT.   
CA: BeCaUsE I KnOw hOw tHiNgS HaVe bEeN GeTtInG To yOu rEcEnTlY AnD My nEuRoSiS PrObAbLy iSn’t hElPiNg aNyThInG.   
CA: FuCk, I WoUlDn’t hAvE EvEn tRoLlEd yOu iF I HaD KnOwN I WaS GoInG To aCt tHiS FuCkInG, wHaT WaS ThAt cOlOrFuL PhRaSe hE UsEd?   
CG: Probubbly somet)(ing wit)( a lot of cuss words in it.   
CG: But again: don’t sweat it Gamsea!   
CG: I mean yea)(, everyone )(as been SO SUFFOCATING lately.   
CG: And I would be lying to say it didn’t bot)(er me.   
CG: But t)(at doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it, too!   
CG: After all, everyone is only acting so stuffy because t)(ey care about my wellbeing!   
CA: YeAh, BuT It’s wRoNg fOr mY MoThErFuCkInG ShIt tO AlL Up aNd rUiN YoUr fUcKiNg cHeEr.   
CG: Gamzee.   
CG: Not even using puns here.   
CG: Or even my quirk.   
CG: Don’t you EVER think you can’t send me a message just because you’re feeling a little unwell.   
CG: You’re a great troll and an amazing friend and I would rather bare your burdens with you than sit on the sidelines and watch you struggle.   
CG: You’re a very important friend of mine and I want to be able to help you in any way I can!   
CA: MaN SiS YoU ReAlLy kNoW HoW To lIfT A MoThErFuCkEr uP.   
CA: ThAnKs.   
CG: It’s no problem at all!   
CG: If t)(ere’s anyfin specific bot)(ering you, do you wanna glub about it? 38)   
CA: MaYbE In a bIt iF He dOeSn’t wAkE Up sOoN.   
CG: O)( clam on you know )(ow t)(at grub loves )(is beauty sleep.   
CA: HaHa yEaH.   
CA: AnD He tEnDs tO GeT PrEtTy cRaBbY WhEn hE’S WoKeN Up iN ThE MiDdLe oF A NaP.   
CG: I’m just going to take a moment to admire t)(at inadvertenc)( pun rig)(t t)(ere.   
CG: Don’t mind me!   
CA: NaH, tHaT WaS On pUrPoSe sO I DoN’T MiNd aT AlL.   
CG: Wait.   
CG: You said t)(at on PORPOIS-E?   
CG: 38D   
CG: All of my )(appiness.   
CA: HaHa wOw.   
CA: I’M FeElInG A LiTtLe bEtTeR AlReAdY.   
CA: YoUr eNeRgY Is jUsT So cOnTaGiOuS.   
CA: ThAt kInD Of sHiT ShOuLd jUsT Be bOtTlEd uP AnD SoLd aS SoMe kInD Of eXiLeR Of lIfE Or sOmEtHiNg.   
CA: PrObAbLy bE CaLlEd fAyGo oR SoMeThInG BiTcHtItS LiKe tHaT.   
CG: )(e)(e)(? W)(at kind of name is Faygo?   
CG: 38?   
CA: I DoN’T KnOw, I JuSt mAdE It uP On tHe sPoT.   
CG: Well anyways, I don’t t)(ink I’d want to bottle up bits of myself like t)(at.   
CG: You are t)(e best you you can be, after all!   
CG: As awesome as ot)(er people can seam, it’s always best to just be yourself!   
CA: ThAt iS A GrEaT WaY Of lOoKiNg aT ThInGs.   
CG: So are you glad you glubbed at me now? >38D   
CA: HaHa yEaH I FeEl a lOt lIgHtEr nOw.   
CA: No tHaNkS To yOu sIs.   
CG: Glad to be of kelp!   
CA: YoU’Re a pReTtY AmAzInG YoU YoUrSeLf bEsT FrIeNd.   
CG: AW------E!   
CG: T)(at’s so sweet of you to say Gamsea!   
CG: I’m floundered! Really!   
CG: Glub!   
CA: HoNk. :o)   
CG: Glub glub! 38D   
CA: We rEaLlY ArE JuSt tWo sIlLy mOtHeRfUcKeRs, ArEn’t wE?   
CG: H-ELL Y-ES W-E AR-E.   
CG: Just the silliest bunc)( of guppies I ever knew. 38)   
CA: It sOuNdS So gReAt wHeN YoU PuT It lIkE ThAt hAhA.   
CG: Because it IS. 38P   
CG: Too many smilies?   
CA: NoT EnOuGh sIsTeR.   
CG: 38) 38D 38P   
CG: I’m more t)(an )(appy to oblige!   
CA: HaHa.   
CG: So are you excited about t)(is game as muc)( as I am?!   
CA: HmMm?   
CA: Oh yEaH I HaD FoRgOtTeN AbOuT ThAt tHiNg.   
CA: Is tHaT WhY YoU’Re uP So eArLy?   
CG: )(e)(e)(, am I t)(at easy to read?   
CG: Yea)( I couldn’t sleep!   
CG: I was just way too excited!   
CA: I CaN’T HeLp bUt fEeL ExCiTeD AbOuT It mYsElF WhEn yOu pUt iT LiKe tHaT.   
CA: NoT ThAt i wAsN’T BeFoRe.   
CA: I GeT ThIs fEeLiNg tHaT ThIs gAmE WiLl bE ReAlLy fUn fOr eVeRyOnE.   
CA: AlThOuGh...   
CG: )(mmmmm?   
CG: Gamsea do you know somet)(ing I DON’T?   
CG: 38O   
CG: But t)(ose four )(aven’t been telling ANYON-E ANYT)(ING.   
CG: W)(at do you know about it?   
CG: T-ELL M-----------------------------------------------E.   
CA: Uh wElL I DoN’T ReAlLy kNoW AnYtHiNg.   
CA: SoRrY To dIsSpOiNt yOu sIs.   
CA: It wAs jUsT A BaD FeElInG I WaS GeTtInG.   
CA: SiMiLaR To a cHiLl dOwN My sPiNe   
CA: I’M ReAlLy eXcItEd aBoUt pLaYiNg tHiS GaMe wItH EvErYoNe, ToO.   
CA: It’s jUsT ThAt iT FeElS LiKe sOmE BaD ThInGs mIgHt hApPeN To.   
CA: I GeT ThE OvErAlL FeElInG ThAt iT WiLl bE A GoOd eXpErIeNcE, tHoUgH.   
CG: )(MMMMMM.   
CG: I can sea w)(ere you’re coming from!   
CG: Our circle of fronds can be, well...   
CG: DRAMATIC, to say t)(e least.   
CA: YeAh.   
CA: WaIt, He hAsN’T ToLd yOu aNyThInG EiThEr?   
CG: )(mmm?   
CG: O)(! )(IM!   
CG: I was confused about w)(at you were talking about for a second t)(ere. 38X   
CA: WhOoPs. soRrY.   
CG: No probubble!   
CG: It’s all water under t)(e bridge!   
CG: But no )(e )(asn’t told me a T)(ING.   
CG: NOT -EV-EN )(IS AUSPISTIC-E M-EDIATOR.   
CG: >38|   
CA: ThAt’S HaRsH.   
CG: Yea)(, but t)(at’s )(alf t)(e fun, isn’t it?   
CA: I SuPpOsE So.   
CA: I NeVeR KnOw wHaT I WaNt tO PaInT UnTiL ThE BrUsH HiTs tHe cAnVaS.   
CA: Or mAyBe tHaT’S JuSt mE.   
CG: I’m pretty sure t)(ere are a lot of people w)(o t)(ink t)(at way!   
CG: Vriska not being one of t)(em.   
CA: YeAh tHaT GiRl aLwAyS KnOwS WhAt sHe wAnTs.   
CG: Alt)(oug)( just between you and me.   
CG: I t)(ink s)(e’s more afraid t)(an anyone to bridge w)(at s)(e wants and )(ow to ac)(ieve it.   
CA: HuH?   
CA: WhAt dO YoU MeAn bY ThAt?   
CG: Well...   
CG: Ug)(, I don’t reelly )(ave a good way of saying t)(is.   
CG: Um.   
CG: Do you know about...   
CG: A)(, but if you don’t t)(en I would just seam like a )(UG-E guppyer.   
CA: GuPpYeR?   
CG: Gossiper.   
CA: Oh, If iT’S SoMeThInG YoU ThInK YoU ShOuLdN’T SaY, tHeN PeRhApS YoU ShOuLdN’T.   
CA: I PrObAbLy dOn’t kNoW WhAt yOu’rE TaLkInG AbOuT GiVeN HoW DeNsE I CaN Be, So iT’S PrObAbLy fOr tHe bEsT.   
CG: I wis)( I )(ad a good way to explain w)(at I mean!   
CG: T)(en again I probably went too far in saying w)(at I already )(ave...   
CG: W)(oops! 38O   
CA: HaHa iT’S CoOl i kNoW YoU MeAnT NoThInG DiSrEsPeCtFuL By iT.   
CA: EvErYoNe hAs tHeIr pRoBlEmS, rIgHt?   
CG: )(e)(e)(, yea)(.   
CG: I try not to glub aboat t)(em w)(en I don’t need to, t)(oug)(. 38X   
CA: YoUr mOiRaIl mUsT Be jEaLoUs wItH AlL ThE FeElInGs jAmS YoU DiSh oUt.   
CA: WaIt.   
CA: Oh mOtHeRfUcKiNg fUcK ThAt wAs rEaLlY RuDe oF Me tO SaY.   
CA: I’M So sOrRy.   
CG: )(e)(e)(, w)(at for silly?   
CG: T)(ere’s a difference between )(elping a friend and making it your job to care for someone else!   
CA: I SeE.   
CA: ThAt wOuLd eXpLaIn wHy tAlKiNg wItH YoU AnD TaLkInG WiTh kArKaT FeElS DiStInCtLy dIfFeReNt.   
CA: It’s lIkE YoU WaNt tO MaKe mE FeEl bEtTeR AnD He nEeDs tO MaKe mE FeEl bEtTeR.   
CA: AnD I NeEd tO KeEp hIm hApPy.   
CG: Yes.   
CG: Moirailegiance is a tenc)(y dance.   
CG: T)(at isn’t to say t)(e love your friends feel for you is any less t)(an a moirail’s!   
CG: It’s just...   
CA: DiFfErEnT.   
CG: -----------------------------EXACTLY!   
CG: O)(!   
CA: WhAt’S Up sIsTeR?   
CG: We’ve been talking for quite a w)(ile. 38X   
CG: I )(ad somet)(ing I was planning to do today before t)(e game.   
CG: I’d almost forgotten!   
CA: If yOu hAvE SoMeThInG To dO I UnDeRsTaNd.   
CA: No sElF-DePrEcAtIoN ThIs tImE, pRoMiSe.   
CA: PrObAbLy jUsT Go pAiNt oR Go oUtSiDe aNd lIsTeN To tHe wInD Or sOmEtHiNg.   
CA: AgAiN, I KnOw hOw pUtTiNg uP WiTh eVeRyOnE MuSt bE FoR YoU.   
CG: Yea)(.   
CG: -Everyone is being so silly about it t)(oug)(!   
CG: So an assassin made an attempt on my life.   
CG: I CAN TAK-E CAR-E OF MYS-ELF JUST FIN T)(ANK YOU V----------------ERY MUC)(.   
CA: I KnOw yOu cAn sIs.   
CA: JuSt.   
CA: Be cArEfUl, AlRiGhT?   
CG: Of course I will.   
CG: Talk to you later you big guppy!!!   
CA: SeE Ya sIs.

**====== >**

Gamzee is a good troll and a great friend. You just wish he wouldn’t be so down on himself all the time. You’re doubly glad he already has a good moirail to help with all of that.

You perish the thought of a life without his moirail.

It just makes you too sad.

**> Get ready.**

Enough of that. You finish tidying up your corner of the respiteblock and proceed to sneak out as quietly as you can manage.

You pass a couple musclebeast posters in the hall on your way.

Man your roommate is weird.

**> Be Gamzee.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck Gamzee's quirk.
> 
> I was originally planning to use his pre-SGRUB quirk where he WrItEs LiKe ThIs. Oh god I couldn't do it. I had to use miffthefox's trollme thing. Then I realized his post-SGRUB quirk of WrItInG LiKe tHiS actually fit this presentation of the character better.
> 
> I love fluff more than the next person... but I need some angst paired with said fluff in order for it to be EXTRA fluffy. So expect lots of bullshit.
> 
> Actually just expect bullshit in general.
> 
> If you even care to continue reading this, that is.
> 
> Also commands/suggestions are welcomed, as I would be happy to try and work them in wherever I can. This adventure isn't reader driven, though, so be warned not everything you suggest will be used.


	2. Gamzee Makara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I officially give up and do whatever I want because I'm bored and just wanna have fun with my life.
> 
> Also mentions of original characters, the good OCs essentially being information fodder and mythos, while the evil OCs serve as backburner plot and additional mythos. Don't worry folks, the trolls are and will remain the stars of this show.

**> Be Gamzee.**  
  
Your name is Gamzee Makara and you happen to have violet colored blood. Apparently you’re a part of the aristocracy or something? You’re actually not all too sure about that. You’re pretty sure you don’t care much about it though.  
  
You mean, one of your best friends isn’t even on the hemospectrum, so why should something like blood color even matter to you?  
It doesn’t, that’s what.  
  
But whatever man. You don’t care for the perks of upper class life. The only things you care about are your friends, your lusus, and your hobbies.  
And boy do you have a lot of hobbies. Where do you start?  
  
You love painting. No wait art in general is pretty cool. Actually, you just like colors in general. Color is a pretty and miraculous thing.  
  
You also enjoy mirthful activities such as juggling, playing practical jokes on yourself, and learning to ride that one-wheeled device.  
  
There are other hobbies you grow in and out of as time goes by. You like to try new things to stave off the boredom and loneliness you feel sometimes. You remember being into lighting candles at one point in time. You’re not too sure why you stopped. You think you accidently set something on fire probably and then your moirail yelled your ears off about it. It wasn’t all that entertaining, anyways. It smelled pretty good though.  
  
 **> Ride one-wheeled device.**  
  
You try a hand at it and fail miserably.  
  
Oh well you suppose you’ll get the hang of it eventually.  
  
You land in a nice pile of empty soda bottles so it’s all cool.  
  
 **> Say hi to your lusus.**  
  
Your lusus isn’t here right now.  
  
He rarely is.  
  
 **> Taste sopor slime.**  
  
You’d rather not. Your friends really got on your case the one time you did try some. You don’t like disappointing them if you can help it.  
  
 **> Go outside.**  
  
The soft touch of wind calms you considerably. It’s cool and welcome and soothing. You can see the residue of sunlight peeking over the seemingly endless sea in front of you.

You shiver slightly, but stand lazily as you wait.  
  
You can’t help but feel that he’s going to come home today. Perhaps it’s the soothing feel of the wind on your skin making you hopelessly optimistic.  
  
You really miss your old man.  
  
 **> Wait.**  
  
You know you shouldn’t, but you wait by the seaside for your lusus’ return for a couple hours.  
  
 **> Check Trollian.**  
  
Your moirail is probably awake by now. You left your Trollian on, so he’s probably freaking out at the fact that you haven’t responded yet.  
  
And to think you did the same thing with Feferi. Man you feel horrible about that now.  
  
Lo and behold he is flipping his shit over this. You’re not that surprised, though. He flips his shit about everything.  
  
 **> Answer.**  
  
\-- cholerConspiracy [CC] began trolling cordialArtisan [CA]\--  
CC: HELLO GAMZEE.  
CC: ALTERNIA TO GAMZEE.  
CC: DON’T TELL ME YOU DECIDED TO LEAVE YOUR TROLLIAN ON AGAIN YOU NOOKWHIFFING BULGESUCKER.  
CC: I CAN’T SAY I’M FUCKING SURPRISED THOUGH.  
CC: THIS IS, WHAT?  
CC: ONLY THE ONE MILLIONTH TIME YOU’VE DONE THIS IN THE PAST PERIGEE?  
CC: OR ARE YOU OUTSIDE DOING YOUR WEIRD “LISTEN TO THE WIND” BULLSHIT WHILE YOU WAIT FOR YOUR ASSHOLE OF A LUSUS TO FINALLY COME HOME.  
CC: THAT WOULDN’T SURPRISE ME EITHER ACTUALLY.  
CC: THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOUR FUCKING DOING, ISN’T IT?  
CC: I JUST LOOKED OUT MY WINDOW AND WOULDN’T YOU KNOW THERE YOU ARE WATCHING THE FUCKING SUN SET.  
CC: LIKE IT’S THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING AND IF YOU STARE AT IT LONG ENOUGH MAYBE YOU’LL GO BLIND AND HAVE TO SNIFF COLORS LIKE TEREZI AND SHIT.  
CC: EVEN THOUGH SHE ISN’T ACTUALLY BLIND AND JUST HAS REALLY POOR VISION.  
CA: ShOoSh mOtHeRfUcKeR YoU ArE LoSiNg yOuR CoOl oVeR NoThInG.  
CC: THERE YOU ARE YOU BATSHIT LUMPSQUIRTING DUNDERFUCK.  
CC: AND FOR THE FUCKING RECORD *NOTHING* IS NOT A WORD THAT PERTAINS TO ANYTHING YOUR ADDLED THINK PAN COMES UP WITH.  
CC: YOU ARE A WALKING HAZARD AND YOU KNOW IT.  
CC: DON’T PULL THAT SHIT WITH ME.  
CA: I KnOw mAn, BuT I WaSn’t fEeLiNg dOwN On mYsElF Or nOtHiNg.  
CA: JuSt hAd a gOoD LoNg tAlK WiTh sIs aBoUt tHaT ShIt.  
CC: DO I GET SIX GUESSES AS TO WHO THIS SHE IS?  
CC: WE HAVE SIX DUMB BROADS WHO SELF-IDENTIFY AS FEMALE IN OUR LITTLE CIRCLE OF BATSHIT INSANITY.  
CC: I’M SCIENTIFICALLY GUARANTEED TO GET IT RIGHT EVENTUALLY THAT WAY.  
CC: OH WAIT A SECOND THAT’S RIGHT I FORGOT ABOUT THAT SEVENTH BITCH WHO DOESN’T EVEN BELONG HERE.  
CC: WHAT IS EVEN THAT GIRL’S DEAL?  
CC: SHE’S JUST IN THE BACKGROUND OCCASIONALLY *ENLIGHTENING* US AT HER LEISURE.  
CC: LIKE SOME KIND OF LIFE GUIDE OR SOME SHIT.  
CC: SHE’S OKAY THOUGH I GUESS.  
CC: MINDNUMBINGLY ANNOYING, BUT OKAY.  
CA: I DoN’T ThInK ShE’S AnNoYiNg aT AlL.  
CA: In fAcT I FeEl kInD Of aT EaSe wHeN I SpEaK To hEr.  
CA: BuT I WaS TaLkInG AbOuT OuR SeAdWeLlEr sIsTeR.  
CC: OH  
CC: FEFERI  
CA: ThAt’s iT InVeRtEbRoThEr?  
CA: No cHoIcE LaNgUaGe tO ThRoW At mY HeAr dUcTs?  
CC: UH NO?  
CC: I MAY LIKE TO RAMBLE UNTIL MY FINGERNAILS GRIND INTO CHERUB DUST, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT EVERYTHING.  
CA: I KnOw yOu bRoThEr.  
CA: MaYbE BeTtEr tHaN YoU KnOw yOuRsElF.  
CA: YoU DoN’T JuSt aLl uP AnD Be gReAt mOiRaIlS By fAlLiNg iNtO ThInGs.  
CA: EvEn tHoUgH ThAt’s eXaCtLy wHaT HaPpEnEd.  
CA: OkAy tHaT WaS A BaD ExAmPlE, wHaT I MeAn tO SaY Is yOu dOn’t gEt tO Be gReAt mOiRaIlS AnD NoT LeArN A FeW ThInGs aBoUt oNe aNoThEr aLoNg tHe wAy.  
CA: DiD SoMeThInG InVoLvInG FeFeRi hApPeN?  
CA: Is sHe oKaY?  
CC: FUCK YOU AND YOUR OVERSENSITIVE BULLSHIT.  
CC: AS FAR AS I KNOW SHE IS A-OKAY, PEACHY DANDY, FINE AND KEEN, AND IS IN POSSESSION OF EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HER ORIFICES.  
CC: AND BESIDES SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF UNLIKE SOME.  
CC: HINT: I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU.  
CA: WaIt, If yOu kNoW ShE CaN ThEn wHy hAvE YoU BeEn oN HeR CaSe mOrE OfTeN ThAn uSuAl rEcEnTlY?  
CC: BECAUSE WHILE SHE IS ONE OF THE FEW CAPABLE INDIVIDUALS OF OUR DODECAFECTA, SHE’S ALSO THE ONE AT THE MOST RISK.  
CC: YOU CAN’T LIE TO ME AND TELL ME YOU AREN’T WORRIED AS FUCK ABOUT HER WELLBEING IN A WAY THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE YOU BEING PARANOID AS FUCK AFTER WHAT HAPPENED A PERIGEE AGO.  
CA: WeLl yEaH.  
CA: AlThOuGh i hAd aSsUmEd iT WaS JuSt mE BeInG Me, WhEn i tHiNk aBoUt iT I Do tHiNk i’m eVeN MoRe fUcKiNg wOrRiEd aBoUt hEr tHaN UsUaL.  
CA: that motherfucking killer had better not show his face again.  
CA: IF HE KNOWS WHAT’S GOOD FOR HIM.  
CC: GAMZEE NO.  
CC: YOU’RE GOING APESHIT AGAIN AND WE REALLY DON’T NEED THAT RIGHT NOW.  
CC: *I* REALLY DON’T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW.  
CC: SO JUST CALM DOWN BIG GUY.  
CA: ...  
CC: DON’T YOU "..." ME.  
CA: honk.  
CC: OH NO YOU DON’T. SHOOSH.  
CA: SoRrY BeSt fRiEnD.  
CA: YoU KnOw hOw i cAn gEt.  
CA: :o(  
CC: IT’S FINE AND IF THAT FUCKSQUATTING RODHUMPING BUCKET OF FESTERING DISCHARGE SHOWS HIS FACE AGAIN YOU HAVE MY FULL PERMISSION TO POUND HIS FACE IN WITH YOUR FUCKING JUGGLING CLUBS IF YOU SO PLEASE.  
CC: NOW THAT WE HAVE THAT OUT OF THE WAY PERHAPS WE SHOULD SWITCH TOPICS, HMM?  
CA: SuRe tHiNg bEsT FrIeNd.  
CA: So wAs tHe tHiNg wItH FeFeRi aLl tHaT WaS BoThErInG YoU?  
CC: WHAT KIND OF BACKWARDS QUESTION IS THAT?  
CC: WHAT PART OF “SWITCH TOPICS” DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?  
CA: So iT Is aBoUt sIs?  
CC: UGH, NO, IT ISN’T.  
CC: BUT IF IT’LL GET YOU TO SHUT UP IT’S ABOUT SOLLUX.  
CA: I SeE.  
CC: DON’T YOU “I SeE.” ME YOU VOMIT-INDUCING CROTCHBLISTERING FUCKSTAIN.  
CC: I WAS TRYING TO GET SOME INFORMATION OUT OF HIM ABOUT THIS GAME WE’RE ALL SUPPOSEDLY GOING TO BE PLAYING TODAY.  
CC: EXCEPT THAT WEIRD GIRL YOU SEEM TO HAVE HIT IT OFF WITH.  
CC: I WANTED TO KNOW AS LEADER OF THIS INFERIOR GROUP WHAT TO EXPECT SO I CAN BETTER PREPARE EVERYONE ELSE.  
CC: ALL I GOT WAS A BUNCH OF FUCK YOU’S FOR MY SELFLESSNESS.  
CA: YeAh tHoSe fOuR ArE BeInG RaThEr tIgHt-LiPpEd aBoUt tHe wHoLe tHiNg.  
CC: OBNOXIOUSLY SO.  
CC: I DID MANAGE TO GET A “THERE WILL BE A MEMO BEFORE WE START PLAYING SO BE SURE TO BE THERE, BUT I REFUSE TO GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD UNTIL IT’S TIME.”  
CC: OR AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT I MANAGED TO PARSE THROUGH HIS INANE DOUCHEY BULLSHIT.  
CA: WeLl, ThAt iS SoMeThInG GoOd tO KnOw.  
CA: I MeAn iT’S CoMpLeTeLy pOsSiBlE ThAt sOmEoNe wHo dIdN’T KnOw tHaT WoUlD Be bUsY DuRiNg tHe tImE Of tHe mEmO AnD WoUlDn’t bE ThErE FoR It.  
CC: HUH. TO BE HONEST I WOULD’T HAVE PUT IT PAST THE GUY TO PURPOSELY NOT TELL ME NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT.  
CC: NOT THAT HIS SUDDEN USE OF INTELLIGENCE CHANGES ANYTHING BETWEEN US.  
CA: StIlL AsHeN?  
CC: FUCK.  
CC: YEAH I GUESS WE ARE.  
CA: AlThOuGh i sUpPoSe tHeRe’s aLwAyS TrOlLiAn’s sTrAnGe tImElInE FuNcTiOn?  
CC: UGH THAT THING IS SUCH HOLY WASTE OF TIME AND THOUGHT PROCESSING.  
CC: I’M SUDDENLY REALLY GLAD TO KNOW OF THIS MEMO PASSWORD BULLSHIT IN COMPARISON TO THE POSSIBLE USE OF TIME SHENANIGANS.  
CC: JUST.  
CC: NO THANK YOU.  
CC: I’D THINK I’D RATHER EXPERIENCE WHAT IT’S LIKE TO TRAVEL DOWN SOMEONE’S PROTEIN CHUTE THAN DEAL WITH THAT SHIT EVER AGAIN.  
CA: YeAh tHaT ShIt cAn gEt pReTtY CrAzY HuH?  
CC: MORE LIKE POINTLESSLY CONVULUTED.  
CA: He dIdN’T MeNtIoN WhEn tHe mEmO WoUlD StArT, tHoUgH?  
CC: OF COURSE NOT.  
CC: THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN INTELLIGENT.  
CC: HIS BRIEF MOMENT OF CLARITY PROBABLY USED UP HIS ENTIRE CAPACITY FOR CRITICAL THINKING.  
CC: WE’LL BE LUCKY IF HE EVEN REMEMBERS TO ATTEND HIS OWN GODDAMN MEMO.  
CC: HEY LOOK GAMZEE THIS CONVERSATION HAS BEEN THE LUXURY OF A LIFETIME.  
CC: BUT I REALLY GOTTA MAKE SURE THE REST OF THESE NOOKSUCKERS DON’T HURT THEMSELVES.  
CA: ThAt’s cOoL BeSt fRiEnD.  
CA: I KnOw iT MuSt bE HaRd aLl bEiNg a lEaDeR AnD StUfF.  
CC: DON’T I KNOW IT.  
CC: CATCH YOU LATER AND DON’T HURT YOURSELF.  
CA: CyA BrOtHeR.  
CC: <>  
cholerConspiracy [CC] ceased trolling cordialArchduke [CA]  
cordialArchduke [CA] ceased trolling cholerConspiracy [CC]  
cordialArchduke [CA] began trolling cholerConspiracy [CC]  
CA: <>  
cordialArchduke [CA] ceased trolling cholerConspiracy [CC]  
  
 **> Be Nepeta.**


	3. Nepeta Leijon (And A Surprise Guest Star)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nepeta is introduced. Also guest stars no one expects ~~(or probably even wanted but oh well)~~.

**> Be Nepeta.**

You have a headache right now and really don’t feel like complying with this whole introduction thing.  Yesterday would have been a better time for these shenanigans.

**> Time: Rewind.**

You are suddenly Nepeta Leijon one day previous.  You have yellow blood and live in a tower that is also a hive, but still mostly just a tower in the middle of nowhere.

You used to live in your average hivestem, but stuff happened sweeps ago and you were forced to relocate.  The tower isn’t so bad, if a little big.  And white.

You love roleplaying, and even more specifically, FLARP.  You know it can be dangerous, doubly so for your moirail, so you two stick to only friendly competitions with close friends nowadays.

You also like to paint on the walls of your hive, detailing the tales of the hunt!  Or really just anything you feel like, but you keep your handy ClawKind abstratus ready at all times.

**> Pet lusus.**

Your lusus died a couple sweeps ago in the accident that destroyed your hivestem, so you’re afraid that’s impossible.  You remember the times where you would ride on her back on adventures searching for the fountain of cute.  You still haven’t found that thing, but you are determined to find it one day in her memory.

You really miss you’re lusus.  You need a distraction.

**> Draw something.**

You pick up a random paint can—black as it turns out—and sketch a couple of simple music notes on an open spot on the wall.  Drawing usually helps you feel better, but you haven’t been on any good hunts or campaigns in the past couple of days and have nothing that’s actually interesting to draw.  You feel a little sad about that and want to rectify it, but you still have no idea what to draw and decide to stop stressing yourself out about it.

Your moirail keeps telling you to manage your stress healthily which includes not stressing out over not being able to manage your stress.

You start humming to the tune of something in your head and decide making some music might help.

**> Make some music.**

You already have the instrumental for the piece you’re working on set up, you just need the vocals now.  Too bad for you those guys can be pretty mercurial.  Hopefully you can catch the one you want for this particular piece.

**> Summon voice synthesizer.**

NEPETA: :33 < miku!

**> Miku: Listen.**

You heed your master's call and rush to her side.

She seems earnestly happy that you showed up.  The smile on her face pulls at your automatic tiffany blue blood pusher installed in your chest cavity.

Programming makes you weird.

**> Miku: Introduce yourself.**

You’re full name is Hatsune Miku and you are an android servant of your master Nepeta Leijon.  You have been programmed to keep her safe, take care of her, and keep her relatively happy.  As well as sing for her when she so wishes.

All of you are kind of bad at your job though.  Master gets upset sometimes, and you all cave and give her what she wants when it happens, but she’s usually very good at keeping herself happy not to mention she has a moirail who does her good justice.

You tend to just space out and forget what’s going on, though.  It’s the others who are either drunk (somehow), mischievous, or unconscious (due to mischief or drunken shenanigans).

**> Miku: Sing for the moment.**

You like singing.  You can’t describe the strange pull and twists that happen inside you when you sing, but you’re pretty sure a living being would call it a very ‘likable feeling’ or some such.

Your master must like it, too, because she looks a lot more calm than she did a moment ago.

Then she realizes what time it is and that she’s late for a memo she was supposed to talk part in with her girlfriends or something like that.

You’re okay with it.  She’s obviously psyched to talk to them.  You decide to wander around the grounds for a while and practice the lyrics she taught you.

**> Nepeta: Answer memo.**

CURRENT auspexAnagoge [CAA] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board ROLEPLAYING RUMPUS.  Memo is password protected!

CURRENT auspexAnagoge [CAA] invited CURRENT conciliatoryGrifter [CCG], CURRENT adventurousCare [CAC], CURRENT thespianAmateur [CTA], CURRENT guidingAspiration [CGA], and CURRENT turncoatChampion [CTC] to the memo.

  
CAA: H3Y 3V3RYON3  
CCG: S)(-------ELLO!  
CGA: Heeeeeey guys!  
CAC: hello!  
CTC: Hello There Everyone  
CAA: 4R3N’T W3 M1SS1NG SOM3ON3?  
CCG: It would aspear Nepeta )(as refused to grace us wit)( )(er pretenc)(!  
CAA: M4N TH3 ST4T1ONS 3V3RYON3  
CAA: B4TTL3 POS1T1ONS!  
CCG: I’ll unfurl t)(e sails!  
CGA: I’ll 6e the captain!  
CAC: ill sweep for enemies  
CTC: Then I Suppose I Have Been Entrusted With The Task Of Hauling Up The Anchor  
CAA: 4LR1GHT 3V3RYON3 W3 H4V3 LOST A M3MB3R OF OUR CR3W SOM3WH3R3 4LONG TH3 W4Y  
CAA: K33P 4 SH4RP 3Y3 OUT FOR H3R NOW  
CAA: TH1S COULD G3T ROUGH  
CCG: Aye aye, admiral Pyrope!  
CGA: Roger that!  
CGA: Are we ready to set off everyone?  
CAC: i think so!  
CTC: The Anchor Has Been Successfully Hoisted  
CCG: I’m done wit)( t)(e seals!  
CAA: TH3N OFF W3 GO  
CAA: *TH3 CR3W OF M1SF1TS L34V3S PORT B3FOR3 TH3 SUN 3V3N R1S3S*  
CCG: “W)(ere do you t)(ink our Nepeta has gone Admiral, Captain?” asked the mermaid.  
CAA: 1 H4V3 NO 1D34 *S41D TH3 DR4GONG1RL, D3T3RM1N3D BUT UNSUR3*  
CGA: The Captain waved one of her many hands, sym6olically tossing aside the notion of anything other than a happy ending.  “Do not worry, Princess , Miss Leijon will be found!  I’ll stake my life on it.”  
CCG: T)(e Princess of the Sea nods )(er )(ead in response, tenc)(ing a fist and )(oping for t)(e best.  
CTC: The Champion Wonders Why We Left Port When Chances Were That Nepeta Was Still On Land That We Just Left  
CGA: (6ecause she was presumed to be kidnapped or something?  I wouldn’t question it if I were you.  You might develop a headache if you do.)  
CAA: (1 CONCUR)  
CCG: (It is kind of fis)(y w)(en you t)(ink about it like t)(at t)(oug)(.)  
CAC: (perhaps we should all agree that we saw her kidnapped aboard a ship prior to when we started roleplaying)  
CAA: (TH4T 1S 4 GR34T 1D34 M4D4M 4DV3NTUR3)  
CAA: (4LL 1N F4VOR OF 4R4D14’S MOT1ON S4Y 1)  
CCG: (I!)  
CGA: 1  
CTC: One  
CAA: (H4H4 YOU GUYS 4R3 SO FUNNY LOOK 4T M3 OV3R H3R3 1 4M DY1NG)  
CAA: *4DM1R4L PYROP3 G1V3S C4PT41N S3RK3T AND CH4MP1ON M4RY4M 4 DRUBB1NG 34CH*  
CGA: (You can’t treat a captain that way!)  
CTC: Are You Challenging Me  
CGA: (She isn’t challenging you, Kanaya.)  
CTC: Oh  
CAC: i see a ship off the stern everyone!  
CCG: T)(e Fincess glubs in relief and excitement!  
CGA: “You heard her everyone!  Prepare for a 6attle!!!!!!”  The Six-armed Captain raised her four swords into the air with courage .  
CAA: *TH3 QU33N 4NN3’S R3V3NG3 PULLS UP 4LONGS1D3 TH3 3N3MY SH1P 4ND 4DM1R4L PYROP3 PR3P4R3S TO BO4RD*  
CTA: :33 < *but it turns out there was little n33d for her furriends to rescue her as the self-reliant shape shifter sat leisurely atop the railing just above the water and watched with relief as the qu33n came within boarding distance*  
CCG: “Nepeta!” t)(e mermaid s)(outed )(appily.  
CAA: TH3R3 YOU 4R3 M1SS L31JON *S41D TH3 4DM1R4L*  
CAA: KNOW TH4T TH3R3 W1LL B3 DRUBB1NGS L4T3R FOR YOUR T4RD1N3SS  
CTA: :PP < *the shecat sniffs at the threat petulant and gestures to the ship behind her by looking over her shoulder*  
CTA: :PP < *i’m certain you will accept a hull full of treasure and beaten bad guys as my repentance instead the feline girl bites back any further retorts*  
CAA: L3T M3 S33 WH4T W3 H4V3 H3R3  
CCG: The princess could care less about the treasure and goes straight for the hug!  
CTA: :]] < *the shape shifter returns the hug eagerly*  
CAC: awe!  
CGA: “Ick.  Could you two 6e anymore mushy?” Mindfang wonders aloud.  
CTC: Agreed Said The Champion Of All Champions  
CGA: ...  
CAA: N1C3 BODY COUNT *SH3 C4LLS OUT FROM B3LOW D3CK*  
CTA: :33 < *my pleasure she shouts back*  
CCG: “W)(at )(appened?!” s)(e asks )(er moirail.  
CTA: :33 < *well she started i noticed a bunch of shifty characters out on the docks being incredibly shady!*  
CTA: :33 < *so she decided to s33 what they were up to!*  
CTA: :33 < *it turns out they were a group of pirates trying to plunder many treasures under the nose of the impurrial navy!*  
CCG: Gasp!  
CTC: Gasp  
CGA: “Let us help the Admiral , Miss Champion.”  She motions for the Champion to follow her down below deck.  
CTC: Okay  
CTA: :33 < *ac wriggles back slightly from the hug but keeps her paws on her meowrail’s shoulders*  
CTA: :33 < *ta just got distracted making music with mewku that’s all!*  
CAA: PL34S4NTR13S 4S1D3  
CAA: 1 H4V3 SOM3TH1NG TO 4NNOUNC3  
CAC: oh thats right i almost forgot!  
CAA: 1 H4V3 JUST B33N 1NFORM3D TH4T TH3 G4M3 H4S F1N4LLY B33N COMPL3T3D  
CCG: R-----------------E---------------ELLY???!!!  
CAC: indeed it has been!  
CTA: :DD < that is pawesome!  
CGA: Oh wow so it’s fiiiiiinally finished?  
CGA: Talk a6out taking your sweet time.  
CGA: So what exactly is it a6out again?  
CAA: TH4T  
CAA: 1S 4 S3RK3T  
CAA: TH4T YOU W1LL H4V3 TO D1SCOV3R BY PL4Y1NG 1T!  
CGA: Hahaha, so funny.  
CGA: I thought what we did earlier was funny, 6ut you just took the cake and shoved it!  
CCG: A S-EACR------ET?????  
CCG: You four )(ave been keeping everyt)(ing a seacret from t)(e rest of us until now, and even w)(en it’s finished you are STILL determined to )(ide be)(ind your vague )(ints and stubbornness.  
CTA: :OO < yeah Terezi, why!  
CTC: Yes  
CTC: Why  
CAC: because itll be more fun this way!  
CAC: right? O_O  
CAA: OF COURS3 1T W1LL B3  
CAA: WH3R3’S TH3 FUN 1N SHOW1NG YOUR H4ND B3FOR3 TH3 G4M3 B3G1NS?  
CCG: Ug)(.  I sea w)(at you’re TRYING to say, but I still can’t kelp myself!  
CGA: It does feel like a cheap trick!  
CGA: Tell us SOMETHING.  
CAC: wouldnt you like that?  
CGA: Yes I would, actually, given that I will likely be playing this for the next few days of my life!  
CGA: Look at all that potentially wasted time going down the drain!  
CAC: stop being such a drama queen vriska!  
CAA: WOULD YOU TWO STOP FL1RT1NG 4L34DY?  
CAA: 1T’S 3MB4RR4SS1NG TO W4TCH  
CAA: BUT 1 SUPPOS3 1’LL S4Y TH1S MUCH  
CAA: R1GHT B3FOR3 W3 ST4RT PL4Y1NG TH3 G4M3 TOMORROW  
CAA: TH3R3 W1LL B3 4 M3MO TH4T W1LL 3X3MPL1FY HOW TO B3G1N TH3 G4M3 PROP3R  
CAA: 1N ORD3R TO K33P TH3 BOYS FROM F1GUR1NG OUT OUR S3CR3T 1’LL B3 G1V1NG OUT THE P4SSWORD M4NU4LLY  
CGA: You know, it really isn’t that much of a secret.  
CGA: In fact I’m pretty positive Sollux knows the ins and outs of Trollian like the 6ack of his hand hacker freak that he is.  
CAC: sollux is not a freak and he definitely does  
CTA: XOO < why are we suddenly talking about *him*  
CAA: SHUSH!  
CTA: XOO < but!  
CAA: NO BUTS  
CAA: NOW H3LP M3 R3CL41M TH3S3 PH4T LOOTS FOR THE N4VY  
CCG: Come now, Nepeta, let’s go return t)(is stuff to its rig)(tful owners.  
CCG: Even if all I want to do rig)(t now is bug t)(ese two for details.  
CCG: I’ll just )(ave to bug Sollux for juicy information later today.  
CAA: H3 WON’T SP1LL 1F H3 KNOWS WH4T’S GOOD FOR H1M  
CAA: BUT YOU C4N TRY >:]  
CTA: X|| < fine i get it i get the hint  
CTA: :|| < let’s just return this treasure shall we

**> Be future Nepeta.**

Future Nepeta is asleep in her recuperacoon!

**> Be lesser future Nepeta then.**

Okay.

**> Examine cerulean portrait.**

It’s really just an outline of a face on your wall with the words “huge bitch” above it and “bluh bluh” beneath it. Not really much of a portrait.

But fuck the guy it’s supposed to represent regardless.

**> Examine shipping wall.**

One of your favorite things to do is ship your friends together. Although really you just like shipping in general. You prefer the flushed quadrants over the darker pitch quadrants, but every now and again you see a good pitch relationship here and there.

(Nepeta’s ships down below in text format. Just imagine bloody paint pictures of these couple or something.

Underlined=Confirmed

**Bold=Preferred**

~~Strikethrough=Dislikes~~

Nepeta’s notes in parenthesis.)

 **< 3** (h33 h33)

 **NepKar** (oh yessssss!)

VrisTer

ArTer

KanFef

KanTer

KanVris

VrisTav

 ~~KarGam~~ (nope.)

ErTav

 ~~KarTer~~ (no!!!)

GamTav

TerEr (terror, lol)

 ~~VrisKar~~ (oh nooooo)

 ~~NepSol~~ (okay now i’m just being silly!)

TerGam (probably not!)

 **< >** (too many have already set sail!)

 **NepFef** (shell yes.)

TerEq

KarGam

VrisKan (are they or aren’t they =??)

ArSol (ugh, how does she do it?)

TavEr (guess that leaves these two lol. talk about unlikely!)

VrisEr

ErEq

TavVris

TavEq

KanEr

 ~~KarFef~~ (noooo!)

ArKan

ArTer

KanKar

 ~~FefEveryone~~ (lol)

**O8 < **

~~NepTerSol~~ (no!!!)

 **KarFefSol** (yeess!!)

**< 3<**

**NepSol** (huge bitch bluh bluh)

VrisAr

KanEq

KanTer

KarEq

~~TerSol~~

~~TerNep~~ (lol)

**> Be Terezi.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Vocaloids were supposed to be in the original fan adventure version, but I stopped right before their reveal. I figured I'd keep them because why the hell not.
> 
> Also I decided I would edit and post this chapter by Saturday. Today is the Thursday following said Saturday. Holy hell time flies. Had to rewrite the entire chapter anyways it was such a mess (even my don't give a fuck attitude was like "edit that shit that is way too bad even for this monstrocity of a fic", kept the pesterlog though because I kind of liked it) so I did kind of but not really.


	4. Terezi Pyrope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terezi knows more than she should without being omniscient, Feferi is a little shellfish, and an OC saves the day.

**> Be Terezi.**

Your name is Terezi Pyrope and you’re far too busy preparing to save a close friend’s life to give a proper introduction.  You suppose you could spare a few minutes though.

You have burgundy blood, or so you’ve been told, because in your expert opinion it tastes like raspberries.  You’ve lived your entire life in the subterranean cave you call home, and as such your eyes are both part extremely sensitive to light and dulled beyond use.  Your sunglasses help to protect what few working cone and rod cells you have left.  Your lusus raised you to be able to compensate your poor vision by tasting and smelling the world around you.  You wouldn’t have it any other way.

You love to roleplay, but you refuse to participate in FLARP, not even with your friends.  You know for a fact that either you, your moirail, or both of you would become horrible crippled or worse if you did.  You prefer text roleplay with your friends instead.  You also enjoy orchestrating the demise of the wicked and the salvation of your friends.

**> Say hi to Drakemom.**

Your lusus is the best.  No arguments, the best, ever.  You will take anyone who says otherwise to court and fight for the win and you will win because she is big and scaly and taught you everything you needed to know to grow up into a productive and intelligent troll capable of keeping your stupid friends from being too stupid for their own good.

You touch her side with your palm and she wriggles in her sleep.  You grin into the pitch and wish her the best of dreams.

**> Toss Lemonsnout out the window.**

You do not have a window, although that is a delicious idea.  Lemonsnout has been rather persnickety recently.  You’ll just have to find some other way to punish him.  The usual noose hung by one of the catches in the ceiling made by your magic stick.

It’ fun to have to weave through the hanging bodies as you make your way around your hive.

**> Draw something silly on your walls with that chalk.**

You’d love to, but you’ve already spent far too much time messing around.  You’ll have to get down to business if you want to save your friend’s life.

 **> Troll your moirail.**  
\--auspexAnagoge [AA] began trolling abeyantTribulation [AT]\--  
AA: H3Y 3QU1US 4R3 YOU 4W4K3 Y3T?  
AA: OH WHO 4M 1 K1DD1NG  
AA: W3 4LL KNOW TH4T 1 KNOW YOU 4R3 F4ST 4SL33P R1GHT NOW  
AA: BUT L3TS NOT WORRY 4BOUT TH3 TR1F1L1NG D3T41LS L1K3 TH4T R1GHT NOW  
AA: 1M TROLL1NG YOU TO L3T YOU KNOW TH4T YOUR W4RD 1S PL4NN1NG TO RUN 4W4Y TOD4Y  
AA: 1N 4 COUPL3 OF S3CONDS 4CTU4LLY  
AA: SH3S P4CK1NG 4S 1 TYP3 TH1S  
AA: BUT DONT WORRY 4BOUT 1T L1K3 1 KNOW YOUR3 GO1NG TO R3G4RDL3SS OF WH4T 1 S4Y  
AA: 1V3 KNOWN FOR 4 COUPL3 OF D4YS NOW TH4T TH1S W4S GO1NG TO H4PP3N  
AA: 1F 4NYTH1NG 1F SOM3TH1NG UNSP3AK4BL3 SHOULD H4PP3N 1T W1LL B3 MY F4ULT NOT YOURS  
AA: 1V3 S1FT3D THROUGH TH3 VO1C3S 1N MY H34D 4ND TH1S APP3ARS TO B3 TH3 B3ST OUTCOM3  
AA: F3F3R1 W1LL L1V3 OR 1 W1LL D13 TO 3NSUR3 SH3 DO3S  
AA: OK4Y TH1S 1S G3TT1NG W4Y TOO M3LODR4M4T1C FOR M3 TO D34L L3T M3 B4CK UP  
AA: S33 WH4T YOU DO TO M3?  
AA: WH3N YOUR3 NOT 3V3N H3R3 TO PROMPT 1T?  
AA: MO1R41LS, 1 T3LL YOU  
AA: 4NYW4YS 1M GO1NG TO N33D YOU TO COM3 OUTS1D3 4ND DR4G MY UNCONSC1OUS BODY 1NS1D3 ONC3 YOU W4K3 UP  
AA: MY H1V3 OR YOURS 1T DO3SNT M4TT3R YOU L1V3 D1R3CTLY ON TOP OF M3 4NYHOW  
AA: TH4NKS 1N 4DV4NC3

**> Troll that alien into doing what you think needs to be done.**  
\--auspexAnagoge [AA] began trolling windingRiver [WR]\--  
AA: YO 4L13N G1RL  
WR: Oh! Hi Terezi!  
AA: D1D YOU FORG3T WH4T D4Y 1T 1S TOD4Y?  
WR: Hmmm?  
WR: Pardon my confusion, but you know time is not my thing!  
AA: SO YOU H4V3 OH SO CRYPT1C4LLY TOLD M3 ON MULT1PL3 OCC4S1ONS  
AA: TOD4Y 1S TH3 D4Y OUR L1TTL3 HODG3PODG3 GROUP OF FR13NDS 3NT3R SGRUB  
WR: Oh yes! I remember now. Thanks for reminding me.  
AA: TH4T W4SNT WHY 1 M3NT1ON3D 1T  
WR: Oh, well, I probably would’ve forgotten otherwise.  
WR: Every day starts feeling the same after so long. It all just blurs together nowadays.  
WR: Whoops, I’m brooding again. Sorry about that.  
WR: I've been doing that more and more recently. I wonder why.  
AA: N4H YOUR3 F1N3  
AA: 1V3 H34RD 4 L1TTL3 FROM F3F3R1, ENOUGH TO UND3RST4ND TH3 B4S1CS OF YOUR S1TU4T1ON  
AA: SH3 CONS1D3RS YOU H3R FR13ND 4LR34DY, YOU KNOW  
AA: 4LTHOUGH 1 TH1NK SH3 H4S 4SSUM3D YOU W1LL B3 OUR TW3LFTH PL4Y3R  
WR: Eridan?  
AA: 3R1D4N  
WR: And you don’t consider me a friend, Terezi?  
AA: NOT Y3T 4T L34ST  
AA: YOUR3 TOO HUG3 OF 4 V4R14BL3  
AA: 4ND, M4Y 1 R3M1ND YOU, YOU 4PP34R3D 1MM3D14T3LY 4FT3R TH3 4SS4SS1N4T1ON 4TT3MPT  
AA: 4ND CL41M3D TO KNOW 4LL SORTS OF KNOWL3DG3 YOU H4V3 NO W4Y OF KNOW1NG W1THOUT B31NG 1N C4HOOTS W1TH S41D 4SS4SS1N OR B31NG 4 S41D 4SS4SS1N YOURS3LF  
WR: Perfectly understandable.  
WR: I wish I could defend myself against your accusations without revealing too much.  
WR: But you yourself asked that I keep all spoilers about the game to myself.  
WR: So I am afraid that I must plead the, what number was it again, the fifth?  
AA: NOT 3V3N CLOS3  
AA: 1 B3L13V3 YOU 4R3 PL34D1NG S1L3NC3 UND3R THE 216314 4RCH41C PR1NC1PL3 TH4T H4S S1NC3 B33N M4D3 VO1D  
AA: 4ND TH4NK YOU FOR R3SP3CT1NG MY PROB4BLY STUP1D 4ND S3LF1SH R3QU3ST  
AA: NOT TH4T L1TTL3 4CTS OF CL3M3NCY W1LL G3T YOU OFF TH3 HOOK!  
AA: 1 ST1LL H4V3 MY NOS3 ON YOU  
WR: I’d be disappointed otherwise.  
WR: Anyways, wasn’t there something you wanted to talk about?  
AA: HMM?  
AA: OH Y3S!  
AA: LOOK WH4T YOU M4D3 M3 GO 4ND DO  
WR: You just cannot resist an opportunity to practice your legal sleuthing skills, can you?  
AA: ON3 OF MY F3W W34KN3SS3S 1 MUST 4DM1T  
AA: BUT 1 H4V3 W4ST3D TOO MUCH T1M3 4S 1T 1S!  
AA: R3M3MB3R WH3N YOU M3NT1ON3D 1N TH4T ON3 M3MO TH4T TH3 G4M3 PR3F3RS YOUR OWN H1V3 FOR 4N 1MPORT4NT R34SON TH4T 1 STOPP3D YOU FROM M3NT1ON1NG?  
WR: Vaguely, yes.  
WR: Why?  
AA: B3C4US3 4 C3RT41N SOM3ON3 TOOK TH3 NOT1ON TO H34RT 4ND 1S PR3S3NTLY P4CK1NG H3R STUFF 1N PR3P4R4T1ON FOR TH3 R3TURN TR1P TO H3R D3S3CR4T3D H1V3  
WR: Wait.  
WR: Oh no.  
AA: OH Y3S  
WR: Well it should be fine. The assassin probably...  
WR: Oh who am I kidding I know full-well that guy is an ace at his job.  
WR: I’ve seen his handiwork before first hand.  
WR: If she heads out now he will most certainly see her and he will kill her without hesitation!  
AA: WH1CH 1S WHY 1 WOULD L1K3 YOU TO H34D FOR H3R H1V3 4ND P3RH4PS D1STR4CT H1M LONG 3NOUGH TO G3T H3R TH3R3 S4F3LY  
AA: OR D1SU4D3 H3R BUT 1 4R34DY KNOW TH4T WOULD B3 4 W4ST3 OF BR34TH  
WR: ...  
WR: How long do you think you can distract her?  
AA: 4 COUPL3 M1NUT3S 4T MOST  
WR: Right.  
WR: I’ll see what I can do.  
WR: Also I have a theory about how you’re able to know things you shouldn’t know, but that would be spoilers so ziiiiiiip.  
AA: MUCH 4PPR3C14T3D  
AA: NOW G3T GO1NG 4LR34DY!  
AA: W3 H4V3 4 FR13NDS L1F3 TO S4V3  
\--wingedRiver [WR] stopped enlightening auspexAnagoge [AA]\--  
AA: SM4RT G1RL

**> Feferi: Be trolled by Terezi.**

You can barely hear the muffled cry of your husktop when it’s settled underneath the layers of your sylladex.  That’s the weird thing about the Junk Modus.  It’s like a bunch electronic cords.  You swear you lined them up straight and both ends are connected to huge appliances and somehow they still manage to get tangled.  You will never know what things like that are even possible.  It’s just one of the mysteries of life.

You’re just going to leave it in there for now.  You’ll answer it once you get home.

**> Terezi: Leave.**

Thankfully you have your sunglasses on to prevent the pain that would be inflicted on your eyes otherwise.

**> Terezi: Wait.**

You are nothing if not patient.

**> Feferi: Leave.**

You were already in the process of doing that.

You suppose being outside is a vast improvement over staring at Equius’ weird musclebeast laden hallway.

Except Terezi is standing just in front of you on a hill just a little way aways.

You are so boned.

**> Terezi: Agress!!**

There’s no need to speed this up.  The longer you stall here, the more time whatshername has to get to her destination and lure the assassin away.

**> Feferi: Stare.**

You do that.

So that’s what your husktop was going on about.  Probably.

Best move this along, you suppose, and stop gawking like a fish out of water.

**> Feferi: Strife!!!**

Unsheathing your candent you charge towards your friend.

She deftly reveals her cane and deflects your attack easily.  The two objects clang together as they touch.

You try again.  She backs out of the way of your strike and readies her own blow.  Sweeping your weapon to the side easily knocks it away from your vitals.

Not that this was even serious anyways because the both of you are doing the equivalent of haphazardly, and lazily, pointing blunt, pole-like weapons at one another and pushing them away.

This continues for a little while until you decide you’ve had enough and reach into you junk modus for your net...

That is not a net.  Damn you sylladex.

**> Terezi: Be unable to escape.**

As if a cardboard box could stop you.

Then again you suppose the problem isn’t the box but rather what’s inside the box.

You were wondering where that box of weird puppets had gone to.  Now you know.  And now they’re enjoying a nice seat on your head.

You are completely covered in the things.  They also knocked off your sunglasses.  Hey look at that evening sky ow why does everything hurt.

**> Feferi: Apologize.**

You whisper a heartfelt sorry, but kick her glasses away from her.  You position the weird puppets so that they cover her body and head so that predators won’t see her and try to eat her in her moment of weakness.

You are a horrible friend.  You should probably troll Equius later and tell him to come and rescue his moirail.  You just really want to see your lusus.  Nothing bad is going to happen, so it should be all right.  And hopefully they’ll forgive you for being so selfish.

**> Terezi: Watch Feferi walk away.**

You don’t really want to.  Everything hurts.  Well mainly your eyes hurt when you open them.  You suppose you could shut them and keep them shut while you sniff around for your glasses, but you already had a sliver of light enter them and wow did that send a shiver of pain through your skull.

The puppets are stacked on your head now and shield some of the light.  Still hurts like all of hell though.

Instead you twist your head up a little and sniff the air.

That is not Feferi you smellsee.

Fuck.

**> Feferi: Die only a couple chapters in.**

You’re not going to die!  Why does everyone have to be so oh god why are you flying?

**> Alien: Save Feferi.**

Inhaling deeply, you wave your wand in front of you, bending the wind to your will and creating a temporary stream of air strong enough to lift Feferi out of the beast’s claws just in time.  The black talons sweep through the air, hitting nothing, and you feel a surge of victory at the sight.

You bend your arm slightly, throwing Feferi in the direction of her hive.

You descend to the ground, balancing on the air like it’s made of trillions of tiny threads.

You frown when the beast turns to the puppet pile once it’s done lamenting its missed target.

You thought the assassin was only after Feferi, but maybe you were wrong.  Or maybe it just wants to check and make sure it wasn’t a magic trick.  Or that you’re not the one hiding under the puppets.

Whatever the case, you don’t like the idea of it killing Terezi.

**> Terezi: Be saved.**

Wind blinds your nose to the scene in front of you, but you hope Feferi’s all right.  You did not know the assassin would appear here.  Your visions and voices told you nothing of the such and you did not think of the possibility yourself.  For a second you were afraid you were going to become another voice in your own head, but lo and behold the alien girl is there to alleviate some of the pressure created by your fuck up.

At least you hope that’s what happened.  And now the wind is kicking it up into overdrive and you are blind as a bat.  You can’t see anything, now you can’t smell anything, and you’re nowhere near close anything to anything worth tasting.

Kind of leaving it up to miss alien over there (hopefully it’s her and not an ally of the assassin... or for that matter that she isn’t on the assassin’s side like you sort of accused her of earlier).

Suddenly you hear an androgynous voice come from somewhere in front of you.

WR: Over here, Killer!

The assassin, as it turns out, is right in front of you and you can hear the twisting of its body as it moves to look at the source of the voice.

The wind settled just long enough for you to get an image of claws and blue.  The same cotton candy blue the alien types in.  The one you assume is the alien suddenly disappears in a blur of wind and the assassin quickly trails after her.

You promptly pass out because wow your head hurts, that was way too much excitement, you haven’t slept since yesterday, and these puppets are actually kind of comfy once you get past the weirdness.

**> Alien: Introduce yourself.  
**

Hell no.

This adventure is for the trolls.  You are just a background character who has only a couple pockets of limelight.  Sure, you saved two of said trolls’ lives in quick succession, but you have an advantage over them!

Anyways, enough about you.  Maybe a break is in order, though.

**> Feferi: Wonder what just happened.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone else have a teacher say that to them? In my elementary school there was a long wooden rod known as the magic stick. Multiple teachers had it (always green) and they would take something (usually string) and put it on one end of the rod, and then poke the ceiling with it. The thing would stay on the ceiling after that. Being the scientific child I was I stared at it trying to figure out exactly how it worked. I kept asking the teachers but they kept saying the stick was magic which pissed me off as a kid. I have since decided that even the teachers didn't know how it worked either and called it magic so they didn't have to try and explain something they couldn't explain. I still think the hypothesis I had as a child was correct, but I never received any confirmation on it which, as far as I was concerend, left the question unanswered.
> 
> EN.EE.WAYS. Next chapter is a break chapter. I wanted to take one every 4th introduction so the beginning wasn't completely bogged down by pointless introductions.


	5. Penitence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feferi returns home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PESTERLOGS OM NOM NOM

**> Feferi: Wonder what just happened.**

You have no idea.  As in absolutely could not give a comment on the news all you’d be doing is giving one hell of an uh with a confused look on your face.

Because one second you were having semi-not serious fight with Terezi, the next you were leaving as planned, and then the next you are suddenly thrown up in the air: dumb look on your face and limbs acting extra flaily.

At least you landed safely.

Right next to your hive.

It’s barely even evening and this night is already so weird.

You still feel guilt clutch at your insides, so you check your husktop, which is finally free of your weird sylladex’s rules.

**> Read message from Terezi.**

\--auspexAnagoge [AA] began trolling conciliatoryGrifter [CG]\--  
AA: F3F3R1  
AA: 1 KNOW FULL W3LL YOU 4R3NT GO1NG TO R3SPOND TO TH1S 1MM3D14T3LY  
AA: BUT YOU 4R3 1N SO MUCH TROUBL3 S1ST3R  
AA: TH3 4SS4SS1N 1S ST1LL PROWL1NG TH3 4R34 4ROUND YOUR H1V3  
AA: YOU SHOULD H4V3 4T L34ST 4SK3D US  
AA: W3 M4Y B3 WORRYW4RTS BUT W3 WOULD H4V3 H3LP3D YOU HOM3 S4F3LY 1F TH4TS WH4T YOU R34LLY W4NT3D TO DO!  
AA: WH4T3V3R  
AA: S33 YOU 1N 4 S3COND PR1NC3SS M3RM41D P3X31S  
CG: O)( glub I am so sorry Terezi!  
CG: Ug)(, I don’t know w)(at got into me.  
CG: I was just so )(omesick...  
CG: You’re okay, rig)(t?  
CG: Did you find your sunglasses?  
CG: Sorry for kicking t)(em away like I did.  
CG: Glub.  
CG: Ug)(.  
CG: So selfis)(!  
CG: W)(at was I t)(inking!?  
CG: I know you guys would )(ave.  
CG: I know.  
CG: I just...  
CG: I felt so suffocated by everyone.  
CG: Everyone was constantly on my case about everyt)(ing.  
CG: Understandably so, but I can take care of myself!  
CG: I kind of wanted to prove t)(at to everyone.  
CG: T)(oug)( I guess...  
CG: I really just wanted to prove it to myself more t)(an anyt)(ing.  
CG: ...  
CG: I made it to my )(ive okay.  
CG: I got flown )(ere some)(ow?  
CG: O)( yea)(!  
CG: I need to tell your moirail, )(old on.

**====== >**

\--conciliatoryGrifter [CG] began trolling abeyantTribulation [AT]\--  
CG: )(ey –Equius.  
CG: U)(.  
CG: Your moirail is outside your )(ive.  
CG: On a )(ill not too far away.  
CG: I t)(ink you s)(ould go get )(er, if s)(e’s still t)(ere.  
CG: I can’t.  
CG: Because I’m kind of, u)(.  
CG: T)(e reason s)(e’s t)(ere.  
CG: And s)(e isn’t responding to me so s)(e’s probably still t)(ere.  
CG: I’m sorry.  
CG: T)(anks for letting me room wit)( you for so long!

**====== >**

CG: Ug)( I am suc)( a )(orribubble frond.  
CG: O)( wow just look at t)(ose fis)( puns. W)(y am I fis)( punning at a time like t)(is?  
CG: I guess I’m a little nervous.  
CG: About w)(at I’m not so sure.  
CG: You )(ating me I guess?  
CG: UG)(!  
CG: I )(AT-E F-E-ELING SO US-EL-ESS AND CRUDDY.  
CG: Suddenly I wis)( I could turn back time and relive t)(e excitement I felt so vividly just a couple of )(ours ago.  
CG: We are okay, rig)(t?  
CG: Ug)( t)(is doubt is so not like me I eely don’t like t)(e feel of it.

**> Feferi: Stop being so down.**

You would love to.  You just feel like such a bitch suddenly.  You’re usually so energetic and joyful, you think you’re allowed a few moments of exhaustion.

Oh wait you stayed up all day and haven’t slept since last night.  That probably doesn’t help your disposition much now that you don’t have the excitement to power through it.

You suddenly feel like the biggest idiot.  It is you.

**> Feferi: Say hi to your lusus.**

Oh.  Yeah.  You should definitely do that.

Wow you miss your lusus.

You stand and dust yourself off and roam around your broken home.

Any papers you left behind are mostly gone now.  The gaping crack in your hive is so large a trunkbeast could move through it freely.  The second floor of your hive is completely inaccessible as the staircase leading up there was ripped away.  At least it’s breezy up there now, it always used to be sweltering up there.

It looks like a large knife cut a slice of double-layered cake out of your hive.

You round the thing, not quite wanting to further inspect the damages yet.  The pond your lusus resides in sits right behind your hive.

**> Toadmom: Welcome your charge home.**

It’s good to see Feferi again after so long.  You really missed her.  It seems she really missed you, too, if her ruddy tears are any indication.

She runs over to you and hops in your pond with no lack of haste.  She swims over to you eagerly and hugs you tight as she wills herself to.  You palm her back with a webbed foot and maneuver your tongue to her cheeks and flick away the liquid you find there.

Charges are so precious.

**> Feferi: Stop crying and get stuff done.**

You refuse.

You will not stop crying just as you will not stop hugging your lusus.  That is not a thing you will stop doing.

**> Feferi: Fast forward.**

You are now future Feferi and you are receiving a bunch of messages from a bunch of different people.  You’ve calmed down enough to think you’re ready for polite company.  You lean against your lusus as you answer them one by one.

**> Feferi: Answer your moirail first.**

\--thespianAmateur [TA] began trolling conciliatoryGrifter [CG]\--  
TA: :33 < *ta wriggles into fefuris lap and coils into a ball of purr contentment*  
TA: :OO < *she suggests talking to karkat as soon as pawssible*  
TA: :?? < *from what she was able to purrse from his typically convoluted rant is that you ran away or something of that nature*  
TA: :33 < i know you’ve b33n saying you dont like efuryone breathing down your neck like they have b33n but he sounds really really worried about you  
TA: :(( < as in really worried  
TA: :oo < whoops i just broke out of rping inconsistency thy name is nepeta leijon!  
CG: I didn’t run away, per se.  
CG: I just came )(ome.  
TA: :33 < oh okay!  
TA: :33 < you made it safely i purrsume  
CG: I did.  
TA: :?? < did you get to s33 your lusus again  
CG: Yea)(.  
CG: I missed )(er so muc)(.  
TA: :(( < i can imagine  
TA: :(( < but um let’s not talk about me right now how are you f33ling  
CG: I’m not feeling as bad as I did a little bit ago, but I feel well enoug)( to talk now.  
CG: And don’t feel bad, Nepeta, we can talk later if you want to.  
TA: :OO < huh?! did something bad happen  
CG: Kind of.  
CG: I was stupid dumb and wanted to prove somet)(ing to everyone.  
CG: Terezi still )(asn’t responded.  And neit)(er )(as -Equius for t)(at matter.  
TA: :?? < huh  
TA: :OO < oh yeah i heard from eridan that terezi had fainted  
TA: :OO < apparently she was sl33p deprived or something  
TA: :?? < he didnt go into specifics  
CG: Basically I left )(ome and s)(e tried to stopped me and I was a glubbing bitc)( and kicked away )(er sunglasses w)(ile s)(e was down.  
TA: :|| < huh  
TA: :33 < dont worry feferi terezi will forgive you eventually!  you’ll s33!  
TA: :33 < you and her are great fronds  this won’t k33p you apurrt!  
CG: I sure )(ope so.  
CG: Because t)(at was really selfis)( of me.  
TA: :OO < okay thats it stop being so shellf-deprecating!  
TA: :OO < youre home, you got to s33 your lusus and terezi is fine, lighten up!  
TA: :OO < so you were a little shellfish its not the end of the world!  
TA: :OO < given how shellfless you tend to be i’d say you’ve more than earned your moment of shellf-centeredness!  
CG: Yea)(.  
CG: You’re rig)(t.  
CG: I know you are.  
CG: I’m just tired.  
CG: I stayed up all day because I was too excited and now I’m paying for it.  
TA: :33 < then go to sl33p!  
TA: :33 < after you answer karkat  
CG: )(e)(e, yea)(, crabby little guy.  
TA: :33 < he sure is!  
TA: :33 < get some sl33p and im sure youll f33l good as new!  
CG: Will do meowrail of mine.  
CG: <>  
TA: <>

**====== >**

Good friend.  Best meowrail.

You think you’re going to avoid talking to Karkat for a second though.  You don’t quite have the energy for that yet.

**> Feferi: Be enlightened.**

\--windingRiver [WR] started enlightening conciliatoryGrifter [CG]\--  
WR: Feferi, did you make it okay?  
WR: I tried to direct you towards your haven, did I hit it spot on? Or was I off?  
WR: Kind of running away from your little friend at the moment so I’m sorry if I don’t respond immediately.  
CG: So you were controlling the mysterious wind t)(at took me )(ome?  
CG: Or was it like telekinesis or somet)(ing?  
CG: Anyways, you )(it it spot on.  
CG: I )(ope you don’t mind if I bug you for a little bit.  
CG: Kind of putting off a s)(out-fest wit)( Karkat.  
CG: )(e’s worried sick about me and I’m just too ex)(austed to deal wit)( )(is t)(eatrics rig)(t t)(is second.  
CG: Trying to work up t)(e energy I will most assuredly need.  
WR: It’s fine. I don’t mind.  
WR: It’s good to hear from you, though.  
WR: Glad to know you’re alright.  
CG: Yea)(.  
CG: Sorry about being dumb.  
WR: Don’t mind it too much.  
WR: We’re friends, are we not?  
CG: We are.  
WR: I’m glad to hear that.  
WR: Sheesh this guy is persistent, but I suppose that’s a good thing in this case, huh?  
CG: T)(e assassin is c)(asing you?  
WR: Sure is.  
WR: Stubborn little guy.  
WR: Except he’s actually not so little.  
WR: He’s about two/three times my size and I’m about two times yours from what I could hazard!  
CG: O)( wow are you eely t)(at big in comparison to us?  
WR: Well, height-wise at least.  
WR: Admittedly I am a little on the tall side, even for my species.  
CG: Your species.  
CG: You never did tell me exactly w)(at your species was called.  
WR: I’d really rather not get into semantics right now.  
WR: Especially with this guy chasing me.  
WR: I’d probably get all melancholy and nostalgic and distracted.  
WR: And then it’s goodbye Gabriel!  
CG: Gabriel.  
CG: Is t)(at your name?  
WR: Hmmm?  
WR: Oh, yes, I suppose it is.  
WR: Whoops!  
WR: Totally dropped the ball on that one.  
WR: Oh well, it’s not like a name really matters much in the long run anyway.  
WR: It’s just something to call an object.  
WR: A collection of syllables sounded by our throat to describe the world around us in a simplistic way.  
CG: Is t)(at w)(y you t)(ink Karkat is wasting his breat)( w)(en )(e talks too muc)(?  
WR: I guess?????  
WR: Speaking of which, are you feeling up to it now?  
CG: Moreso t)(an I was a couple of moments ago.  
WR: Glad I could be of assistance.  
CG: O)( and by t)(e way, I )(ear Terezi is fine.  
WR: Oh good. I was a little worried about her.  
WR: Glad to hear she’s doing alright as well.  
WR: Now if you don’t mind I must be off.  
WR: There are evil plans to thwart!  
CG: Talk to you later.  
CG: I’m probably going to sleep wit)( t)(e fis)(es in a second )(ere, so not until later today w)(en we play Sgrub.  
WR: Yup.  
WR: Anywho, if I don’t log off first this conversation will never end.  
CG: I )(ave noticed )(ow you )(ave a tendency to suddenly cut off a c)(at w)(en t)(ings start looking t)(at way.  
WR: An old habit of mine, I suppose.  
WR: Anyways: I’m off!  
\--windingRiver [WR] stopped enlightening conciliatoryGrifter [CG]\--  
CG: Bye.  
CG: 3XD It )(appened again.

**====== >**

You’re definitely feeling a lot better than you were before.  You have the best friends.

Although you will admit it is strange his highness hasn’t trolled you himself yet.  If what Nepeta’s saying is true, then he should have left you not akin to a wall of text.  Instead you are left wallless and have nothing to defend yourself from this dim season’s chill winds.

**> Feferi: Troll Karkat.**

\--conciliatoryGrifter [CG] began trolling cholerConspiracy [CC]\--  
CG: )(i.  
CC: OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT  
CC: COME TO GRACE ME WITH YOUR FISHY PRESENCE, HAVE YOU????  
CC: HOW VERY FUCKING QUAINT EXCUSE ME WHILE I BLOW MY NOSE HERE  
CG: O)( don’t you DAR-E start t)(at bullgrub wit)( me mister!  
CC: AND WHY SHOULDN’T I?  
CC: DO YOU LIKE HAVING EVERYONE UP IN ARMS WORRYING OVER YOU I MEAN WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?  
CC: YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TRIED RUNNING OFF ON YOUR OWN LIKE THAT WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED  
CC: IF THE GAME REALLY DOES REQUIRE A PRIVATE DWELLING EQUIUS PROBABLY COULD HAVE MADE YOU ONE IN TWO SECONDS YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL THIS POINTLESS POTENTIALLY MACABRE MASQUERADE  
CC: THE ASSASSIN COULD STILL BE THERE  
CC: WE DON’T KNOW THE SPECIFICS OF THE SITUATION SO GET BACK TO EQUIUS’ ON THE DOUBLE  
CG: Karkat.  
CC: WHAT?  
CG: S)(UT UP!!!!!!  
CC: WHAT.  
CG: I could )(ave just gone rig)(t to sleep, but no, I )(eard you were worried about me so instead of completely flipping you off I decided to personally let you know I was okay and t)(at you can stop worrying YOUR STUPID FAC-E OFF NOW.  
CG: Because you know as well as I do t)(at you would keep stupidly, pointlessly worrying until you got confirmation from me directly t)(at I was okay.  
CG: Well )(ere’s t)(e bottom line, Karkat, I AM P---ERF---ECTLY OKAY.  
CG: Not)(ing’s out of place.  
CG: I got to see my lusus for t)(e first time in a long w)(ile.  
CG: You try going wit)(out your lusus for aw)(ile and see )(ow you like it!  
CG: Because I never truly knew w)(at it was like for Gamzee and Nepeta until now!  
CG: And not even t)(en because Gamzee rarely ever stops by and Nepeta’s lusus is GLUBBING D-EAD.  
CG: Ug)(, no one told )(im about my boat of stupidity did t)(ey?  
CG: It’s bad enoug)( t)(at I’ve got you worrying over my --EV--ERY D--ECISION, I don’t want )(im worrying about t)(is, too.  
CG: Or really anyone else for t)(at matter.  
CC: FEELING BETTER?  
CG: Not really, no.  
CG: Because I am SO GLUBBING TIR-ED TO B-EING WATC)(-ED LIK-E A WING-ED D-EAT)( SCAV-ENG-ER.  
CG: It’s suffocating!  
CG: It’s really glubbing suffocating!  
CG: Imagine being drowned in t)(e obsessive attention and worry of everyone you love to t)(e point of wanting to scream!  
CG: T)(ere’s being protective, and t)(en t)(ere’s being overprotective!  
CG: Yes, my blood color is unnatural and everyone wants me dead.  
CG: Yes, t)(ere is a strange beast w)(o wants me specifically dead.  
CG: But I don’t want to sacrifice w)(o I am for a little safety!  
CG: Maybe t)(at’s selfis)( and incredibly misguided, but after t)(e past few weeks I don’t )(ave t)(e will to care anymore!  
CG: I )(aven’t even truly been outside in t)(e longest time...  
CG: I )(aven’t swum in just as long!  
CG: I HAVEN’T BEEN TO THE SEA IN SO LONG.  
CG: I feel like I’ve lost a part of w)(o I am.  
CG: And I’ve only just retrieved it once I came back.  
CG: My lusus, my )(ive, t)(e sea, it’s in)(abitants, my freedom.  
CG: I’ve missed t)(em all so muc)(.  
CC: FEFERI, YOU DO REALIZE THAT ONE DAY WE’LL HAVE TO LEAVE ALL OF THESE THINGS BEHIND IN ORDER TO TAKE THE THRONE  
CC: OR ARE YOU SAYING YOU WANT TO BACK DOWN FROM YOUR AMBITIONS?  
CG: NO!!!  
CG: I still want to )(elp you ascend as )(eir to become t)(e Troll -Empire’s ruler.  
CG: But does it )(ave to be rig)(t now?  
CG: I’m still young... Karkat, were all still so young.  
CG: Sig)(.  
CG: I’m also ex)(austed.  
CG: I wasn’t really expecting to go off on you like t)(at.  
CG: Or for you to let me rant like you did.  
CG: T)(anks for listening?  
CC: FEFERI LISTEN TO ME  
CC: DON’T YOU EVER  
CC: AND I MEAN *-EV-ER*  
CC: THINK THAT YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO SPEAK YOUR MIND TO ME  
CC: I MEAN YEAH, I CAN BE A HUGE DOUCHE  
CC: LET’S NOT KID OUTSELVES HERE I AM THE BIGGEST ASS THIS SIDE OF EXISTENCE  
CC: BUT I  
CC: I MAY NOT SHOW IT BUT I REALLY VALUE YOUR OPINION  
CC: AND I’M SORRY THAT I’VE BEEN SUCH A BITCHING CRETINOUS BULGEBITE SINCE THAT INCIDENT  
CC: BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN  
CC: NO USE BEATING AROUND THE BUSH  
CC: I HAVE BEEN AND I’M SORRY, OKAY?  
CC: BUT HONESTLY YOU NEVER CAME AT ME LIKE THAT BEFORE NOW  
CC: YOU JUST KIND OF LET IT SLIDE OFF YOUR BACK LIKE IT WASN’T A THING  
CC: BUT IT TURNS OUT THE THING WAS HUGE AND YOU WERE JUST PLAYING A FUCKING MAGIC SHOW AND I WAS COMPLETELY FOOLED BY YOUR MISDIRECTION AND FELL FACE FIRST INTO A MURDER OF WHITE BIRDS  
CC: MAYBE IF YOU HAD SAID SOMETHING EARLIER I WOULD HAVE BACKED OFF??  
CC: I MEAN, READING THROUGH EVERYTHING I JUST READ I FELT PRETTY DAZED  
CC: LIKE “WOW THIS GIRL HAS TEETH IF SHE REALLY THOUGHT THIS WHY DIDN’T SHE TELL ME OFF SOONER”  
CC: I ALREADY KNOW YOU HAVE BITE FOR THE RECORD, IT’S ONE OF THE MANY REASONS YOU’RE NOT SO BAD  
CC: WHICH IS KIND OF WHY I WAS SO SUFFOCATING FUCK SORRY ABOUT THAT  
CC: LOOKING BACK IT’S PRETTY OBVIOUS WHAT I WAS FUCKING DOING WHAT WAS I THINKING?  
CC: FUCK PAST ME, I SWEAR TO GOD  
CC: HONESTLY I’M GLAD TO HEAR YOU SAY YOU STILL PLAN TO BACK ME UP AT ALL  
CC: READING THROUGH THAT I THOUGHT YOU HATED MY GUTS  
CC: WHICH I GUESS YOU PROBABLY DO BECAUSE WOW PAST ME  
CC: BUT YEAH I’M KIND OF LOSING MYSELF IN HERE SO WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY IS: I’M SORRY  
CG: I’m sorry, too.  
CG: And.  
CG: T)(anks.  
CC: SO WE’RE OKAY?  
CG: We’re peac)(y keen crabcatc)(.  
CC: OH THANK GOD  
CC: YOU ARE ONE OF THE FEW DECENT TROLLS IN EXISTENCE  
CC: I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT YOU AS A FRIEND  
CC: BESIDES LISTEN TO GAMZEE PRATTLE ON ABOUT NOTHING  
CG: )(e)(e, you are so silly karcatfish.  
CG: I’m still really tired, t)(oug)(.  
CG: I couldn’t sleep last day.  
CC: GO GET SOME SLEEP.  
CC: UH, THAT WASN’T ME TRYING TO BE CONTROLLING OR ANYTHING  
CG: Okay now you’re just being sealy.  
CG: )(ow about t)(is for a compromise: you keep being you’re douc)(ey self and w)(en I call you out on your bulls)(it you do your best to reel it in.  
CC: I CAN TRY MY BEST  
CG: T)(at’s all any of us can really do in t)(e end.  
CG: Now, I’m going to sleep.  
CC: HAVE A GOOD NAP.  
CG: Will do.  
\--conciliatoryGrifter [CG] ceased trolling cholerConspiracy [CC]\--

**> Feferi: Sleep.**

You curl against your lusus and feel her webbed foot pet your head. You fall asleep in no time.

**> Be Equius.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter only resembles the original storyboard in structure. It was supposed to be a nice little chapter where Feferi talked to Gabriel and Karkat yelled at her and she told him she was fine.
> 
> Haha. Ha. Then I channeled personal experience into their argument. Ha.
> 
> Also because I love it when Feferi shows her teeth. That argument between Feferi and Eridan in Kanaya: Return to Core always had me rooting for her. I like and sympathize with Eridan and all, but that was Feferi's Crowning Moment of Awesome in my eyes.


	6. Equius Zahhak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Archery, robots, and drama, oh my!

**> Be Equius.**

Your name is Equius Zahhak and you have brown blood. Once upon a time you may have thought that was important. You’ve since accepted and assimilated into the ideology that it means absolutely naught.

You wish you were strong.

You greatly admire strength in all its forms, be it physical, mental, or emotional, but only exhibit the last form. You’ve built robots meant for sparring to help strengthen your body, but they went rogue for some unknown reason and have since been seen roaming your hive, looking for opportunities to strike. Luckily you have a moirail who can handle herself, and for the last perigee or so, a roommate who could do the same.

You are said to be an amazing archer by your friends, a frightening one even, but you’re not sure if you believe them. It is one of the many things that you lack confidence in.

You possess the ability to commune with various fauna, and often use this power to create powerful guards and friends out of the beasts that dwell near your hive. You especially appreciate the musclebeasts that migrate through here sometimes, as well as the magnificent hoofbeasts that tend to graze in the pasture not too far from here. Sometimes you like to snap pictures of them with your self-made light imprinting dark chamber. Your amateur photography doesn’t do the majestic beasts justice, and neither do the many posters of them you have hanging all over the walls of your hives, but it’s the best you can afford.

Unfortunately, you have a severe lack of fortune. Your misfortune is rather notorious amongst everyone you know. If something bad can happen, chances are that it will happen. It doesn’t always turn out that way, but it occurs often enough that it’s become a pattern integral with the fabric of your life. You’re incredibly paranoid that one day your bad luck will be the cause of any of your friends’ untimely end. It’s a thought that leaves you shaking and sweating because you could never live with yourself if that happened.

**> Equius: Don’t panic.**

You don’t think that’s possible. In fact, you are not just panicking, you are positively freaking out. You are definitely flipping your lid. You are completely and thoroughly terrified like a small animal dancing through the legs of an incredibly large hoofbeast.

You were not told Feferi would be leaving today and yet that’s exactly what it looks like happened. That’s what you hope happened. Because all of her possessions, save her recuperacoon, are missing, even the colorful streamers and the picture her moirail drew for her back when they first got together are vacant from her corner of your respiteblock.

Aurthour brings you a towel and you give him a quick pat of appreciation. You tell him to go look for her. He obeys and heads off.

You are absolutely freaking the fuck out and you cannot stop the torrent of emotions and paranoia that are washing over you. You have really spent far too much time around Feferi and talking to Eridan.

**> Equius: Check Trollian.**

On the off chance she left you a message you decide to open up Trollian. To your great surprise, two separate shades of red flood your computer. You read through Feferi’s first, and feel a wave of confusion come over you. You are never going to get these water puns out of your head now. But it would appear she’s okay and perfectly alive. That’s good. That’s very good.

Except apparently your moirail is unconscious just outside your hive. That is not a good thing. At all. Looks like you’re not calming down any time soon.

**> Equius: Go outside.**

Instead of reading your moirail’s text or responding to Feferi, you decide to dash outside. You find the spot Feferi mentioned with ease, but fail to find Terezi anywhere. You do however spot a pile of your hoofbeast puppets. You were wondering where those things are disappeared to.

**> Equius: Aquire sunglasses.**

They’re not very far from the pile, you note. You capatchalogue them into your sylladex, of which is governed by the Roulette Modus. You take a moment to realize this was probably a bad idea as you are usually never able to retrieve what you want from your sylladex. You curse your moment of poor foresight silently before turning towards the pile.

**> Equius: Investigate.**

Survey says... that she’s buried underneath your plush.

You quickly check her vitals and realize she’s just unconscious. Probably sleeping? She did mention something about a stakeout and no plans to sleep last day.

This assuages your trepidation by a smidge.

**> Equius: Decide.**

In the end you decide to move her to her hive over taking her back to yours. You just stupidly capatchalogued her sunglasses which means she may not get them back for a little while. If you took her back to your hive, and woke up, she’d have to deal with the nauseating headaches she gets just looking at anything bright.

**> Equius: Pick her up.**

You’re unable to lift her completely off the ground, but you swing her arm over your shoulder and manage a sort of shuffle.

**> Equius: Fumble through the dark.**

Unlike Terezi you lack the ability to traverse dark corridors. You attempt to light a torch to help your descent, but it would appear they have somehow become damp. Just your luck.

You deal with feeling your way through. You know the way to her respiteblock where her recuperacoon lies even in the darkness. You find it easily enough and easily slip her into the tank of sopor slime.

Your way back out is a little more eventful as you trip over her lusus’ body. She give a startled sound that has you jumping back up on your feet in seconds. You’ve seen her lusus aggress the rats that frequent these caves. Her lusus doesn’t seem too peeved at you considering you just woke her up, but maybe that’s only because she knows you’re important to her ward. Either way you’re quick to make your getaway.

**> Equius: Exit.**

Eagerly.

You shut your eyes against the light of night for a couple seconds until you can feel that they’re readjusted properly. Once they are you make your way back to your hive.

You’ve had enough excitement for one day.

**> Aurthour: Be the best lusus.**

You find your master panting and generally freaking out over by the hoofbeast pen and daintily make your way over to him. You touch him on the shoulder to retrieve his attention. He tells you that you can stop looking for his friend as he knows what happened now. Vaguely. Okay not really, but she isn’t here anymore so you can stop searching.

You nod and motion a glass of milk you prepared for him a while ago. He takes it and drinks it greedily. He must’ve been quite worked up. He stares at the glass a moment before handing it back to you, muttering something about how it would’ve been nice if it would’ve broken in his hands. You would have to disagree. That would make quite a mess and would waste perfectly good milk.

You can tell he needs a distraction. A way to work off his feelings. You take note of the target not too far away and motion towards it. He stares at it blankly for a moment before jumping at your idea.

**> Equius: Practice archery.**

Somehow you feel at ease behind a bow. It’s easy to forget everything and focus solely on how to hit the center. You take note of the wind and your shaking and make the best of it. You get a couple arrows off before you stop shaking completely.

You practice like this for a couple of minutes. Sometimes the arrows end up far wider than you intend it and some part of your mind screams foul play. But that doesn’t make any sense. You’re the only one out here after all. You’re the one who must’ve messed up. This is why you’d never be one of the best archeradicators like your friends insinuate you could be. A great archeradicator rarely misses his shots. The best never misses.

On one particular shot, the last of this round of quiver, something knocks hard against your extended elbow. Your body shifts awkwardly to compensate for the pain and loss of balance, but the shot fires all the same. At a rather vertical angle.

Of course Aurthour had to be passing at that exact moment. Of course the arrow was angled just so that it would hit him as he passed. Of course the initial pain in your arm from the contact made it hard to think straight for a moment.

**> Equius: Dodge.**

You somehow manage the balance and energy to propel yourself forward and shove Aurthour clear of the arrow’s trajectory. You make a quick youth roll out of the way yourself and the arrow lands into the ground cleanly.

**> Equius: About face.**

You rather don’t want to. You have a feeling you know what hit your elbow and you feel like as long as you don’t look, it doesn’t exist.

You also know that’s a lie.

So you turn around and jump back as you come face to face with one of your rogue robots. With your discarded bow in its hands. Welp.

**> Equius: Abscond.**

You can’t get out of there fast enough. Aurthour knows the drill and gallops into the hoofbeast pen unseen. Your bots’ attention is focused solely upon you anyways.

You manage your way back into your hive in time to have only one arrow zip by your head.

**> Equius: Hide.**

That never works. It’s like they somehow always know where you are. You’re just going to have to run it out.

On the bright side it should only be the one this time around. Feferi and Terezi managed to completely trash the other ones.

**> Equius: Fight.**

You already know from experience that that isn’t going to work. They somehow got set to kill mode and that’s far above your level of physical prowess.

**> Equius: Build fort.**

You make a fort from Feferi’s table and some of her streamers. It’s the most pitiful fort you’ve ever seen. And you made a fort of Tab cans once upon a time.

That gives you an idea.

**> Equius: Hide in Tab can pile.**

The robot knows you’re in here. Of course it does. But you made sure to situate yourself in the center and you hear when it begins to make its way inside. You wait until you hear it right next to you to lunge. You feel the rough surface of its ocular orb and make your hand slide further back behind its head where the switch sits. You flip it and hear the comforting sound of it powering down.

You don’t wait to start ripping it apart. You made the mistake the last time you only flipped the switch. It somehow cut itself back on again. You still have no idea how.

You make sure to reequip your bow and collect your arrows. They end up in your sylladex against your better wishes. You had wanted to line them back up in the quiver and replace them at their proper spot next to the target. Unfortunately they’ve decided to avoid your hands and go straight into your sylladex today. One at a time. It’s going to be fun to retrieve things out of your sylladex later, you lied.

**> Equius: Go inside.**

Winning is a surprisingly heady feeling.

**> Equius: Read Terezi’s message.**

While you’re hear you take a moment to read through your moirail’s message to you. It’s basically a reiteration of what you’ve already learned from Feferi in a way. It has you feeling a little apprehensive, and a little eager to tell your moirail to stop being suicidal in her endeavors. It’s rare that she listens, but usually you’re the only one who can talk her out of doing something particularly dangerous.

Sadly she did not think to contact you about this exact matter beforehand which is why you couldn’t talk her out of it. You didn’t even realize she was worried about something. In retrospect the whole “stakeout” thing should have tipped you off. You suppose you were just far too tired to process the remark appropriately.

You’re kind of beating yourself up about that fact figuratively speaking.

Also it would appear Eridan is trolling you.

**> Equius: Answer.**

\--gypsyCipher [GC] began trolling abeyantTribulation [AT]\--  
GC: wwhat the hell just happened  
GC: i wwas wwalkin along just strollin dowwn this here unmarked path wwhen suddenly this blue thing zooms by fuckin flyin i swwear  
GC: an then this fuckin beast like creature flys by me too an i cant help but wwonder wwhat the fuck is goin on because i havve nevver seen creatures that looked quite like those twwo fuckers wwho passed me by like i wwas some kind a chopped organ  
GC: i swwear to god one a them said sorry like thats goin to fix my goddamn breakfast or my shirt  
GC: wwhich got knocked into me by the wwind or something those twwo wwere flyin by so fast id fuckin believve it  
GC: eq are you evven there  
GC: are you fuckin ignorin me  
GC: i knoww your awwake you are fuckin religious wwhen it comes to wwhen you sleep an wwake  
GC: an it is definitely past your wwaking time  
GC: you had better not be fucking ignorin me  
AT: D--> I was not ignoring you  
GC: there you are wwhere the fuck wwere you  
AT: D--> %caping the clutches of a rather murderous android of my own creation  
GC: wwhoa wwhat are you fuckin serious  
GC: i thought fef an ter killed all those grubslickers for you  
AT: D--> I assure you that I am as serious as a hoofbeast during mating season  
AT: D--> There was still one cantertender left at the gate  
GC: wwait then wwhat happened to it is it dead  
AT: D--> Roboti% does not possess the capability to create life, it can only simulate it  
AT: D--> But it was similarly dismantled by my own hands  
GC: you took it dowwn all by yourself  
AT: D--> That is correct  
GC: holy shit eq that is amazin  
GC: an to think before this moment fef an ter had to take those fuckin things dowwn for you  
GC: did you suddenly groww some shameglobes or wwhat damn  
AT: D--> Neigh, I tricked it into a disadvantageous position and flipped its switch  
GC: didnt you do that before an it revvivved itself  
AT: D--> Marechines do not possess the ability to turn themselves on without comple% coding  
AT: D--> Of which I am incapable of and I continue to assert that I am 100% certain that I did not apply such a capability into my designs  
AT: D--> They’re only activation point is a switch located on the back of their heads  
AT: D--> Unless someone messed with my designs without my knowing  
GC: fucking sol probably had something to do wwith it  
GC: im tellin you he has something to do wwith evverything bad thats evver happened to our little group  
AT: D--> While he does possess the capability to create the coding for such a hoof  
AT: D--> He does not possess the ability to change them physically  
AT: D--> Not to mention he has no reason to mess with their programming  
GC: its probably some black ovverture or another i mean just look at howw far hes hooked nep into his net  
GC: an yes he does havve the means to change it he can fuckin control people to do wwhatevver the goddamn shit he wwants them to do  
GC: wwhile ivve heard he cant control ters mind for wwhatevver reason he couldvve used fef or evven fuckin you to do it  
GC: the guy is fuckin ruthless hed evven use his owwn fuckin flushcrush to achievve his twwisted goals  
AT: D--> The marechines went rogue before Feferi arrived  
AT: D--> And I assure you that I would know if I had been controlled by him  
GC: wwhat howw the fuck do you knoww that for certain  
AT: D--> He’s tried before and succeeded  
AT: D--> But I was perfectly aware for everything that happened  
AT: D--> He did not control me into changing their programming  
GC: hold on a fuckin second  
GC: he tried to control you before  
GC: wwhat the fuck that is sick  
AT: D--> It wasn’t that bad actually  
AT: D--> It was weird to be incapable of controlling my own limbs  
AT: D--> But it was 100% consensual and it only occurred once  
GC: are you fuckin serious wwhat the hell did he wwant wwith your body an wwhy the everhating FUCK did you consent  
AT: D--> It was a test  
GC: a test for wwhat  
AT: D--> Perhaps e%periment is a better word  
AT: D--> We suspected Sollu% the moment the robots went rogue  
AT: D--> When confronted his moirail attested that he could not control Terezi  
AT: D--> So all that was left was to see if he could control me  
AT: D--> He could, but not without my knowledge that he was doing so  
GC: so your sayin you wwerent suspicious a him because you already wwere suspicious a him an he provved himself reliable  
GC: i cant fuckin believve this  
AT: D--> It is the truth of the matter  
GC: at least theyre not fuckin hunting you dowwn anymore  
GC: that has got to be some kind of relief  
AT: D--> It is indeed a great relief  
AT: D--> I feel 100dicrously less apprehensive about her vacancy now  
GC: wwhat are you talkin about vvacancies for  
AT: D--> Oh  
AT: D--> Sorry for some reason I felt like maybe I was the only one who didn’t know  
AT: D--> Or rather because you collect all the gossip you can gather I suspected you might already know  
AT: D--> My apologies for the assumption  
GC: stick your fucking apologies somewhere the moons dont shine is fef okay  
AT: D--> She is perfectly fine from what I can hazard  
AT: D--> She and Terezi appear to have gotten into some kind of fight and she left for her hive  
AT: D--> She arrived safetly and Terezi is asleep in her recuperacoon as she appeared to have passed out due to sleep deprivation  
GC: wwhoa that mustvve been a hell of a tussle  
AT: D--> To be honest I think both of them must’ve been sleep deprived as I did not witness Feferi enter her recuperacoon at dawn  
GC: you go to sleep wway too fuckin early i somehoww doubt youvve evver seen her sleep but wwhatevver  
GC: if you say they duked out their duel in the throes of heavy eyelids then wwho am i to say otherwwise  
GC: its a pointless topic anywways an not at all an important detail to this juicy morsal a chinwwag  
GC: do you knoww wwhat they wwere fightin about or ovver  
AT: D--> Hold on  
AT: D--> Someone just knocked on my door, perhaps Terezi has awakened or Feferi has returned

**> Equius: Open door.**

What you do find beyond the door is not what you were expected.

Naturally you slam the door as hard as you can managed and lock it.

**> Equius: Apologize.**

You leave Eridan a clipped apology and goodbye and he predictably fills the chat with drama before saying goodbye. The door opens and you get to see the sparking abomination limp towards you as its body inexplicably repairs itself. You just switched off and even _dismantled_ that thing not thirty minutes ago. How is it still raring to go?

**> Equius: Run.**

You manage to dodge by it since its left arm is still somehow repairing itself. You aim for the switch and flip it off, only to see a volley of sparks erupt from it as the robot crumples and it pop back into the on position.

Running is exactly what you’re going to be doing for a while.

Perhaps we should be someone else for a time. Someone not ensconced in drama.

**> Be Vriska.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had to rewrite this chapter after writing up to chapter 09 because I found the way I wrote Equius originally to be exceedingly boring as fuck. I tried the whole hemospectrum respect things in the eyes of a lowblood and I was so. bored. So I tried inverting his ability to achieve his interests instead. Much more amusing and fun to play with.
> 
> I feel like I could have done better with the pesterlog though. Kind of bland in my opinion. Oh well. I need to get back to not caring because life is a bitch and I do not want another headache on hand.


	7. Vriska Serket

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which anyone still reading this must come to terms with the fact that this fic is garbage and the author realizes that fact and embraces it wholeheartedly and doesn't care because this is the first time it's truly enjoyed writing in its life. So that was a run on sentence.
> 
> Also Vriska is totes adorbs in this and Kanaya lacks social graces.

**> Be Vriska.**

You can do that.  You can be the coolest cat this side of Alternia.  You don’t mind, just be sure to stay out of your way so you don’t get burned along with all the frying pans you have in the fire.

What?  You’re supposed to introduce yourself here?  You don’t see why not.  You also don’t see why, but you’re feeling pretty magnanimous right now, so you’ll let it slide.

Hahaha, you actually thought you were a stuck up bitch for a second there, didn’t you?  You’re really not, you just like making people think you are from time to time.  They’re reactions are entertaining to you.  It’s all in good fun.

Your name is Vriska Serket and you have jade blood.  You live in daylight, unlike the rest of your species, and you rather like it that way.  The heinous broods of the undead that roam the sands are a tad dangerous, but what’s life without a little danger to spice things up?

You are a master at roleplaying scenarios and games.  You are an avid FLARP player and often go head to head against your kismesis and her moirail, although only in non-serious matches because of her moirail’s situation.  You wouldn’t be a very good kismesis if you were dead, now would you?  You have a clear understanding about that, of which you are glad for.

You’re obsessed with learning new things.  Reading is your favorite past-time, be it fiction or non-fiction.

You have a particular fascination with luck as well, or more specifically, games of chance.  You feel as though just wishing for the outcome you desire makes that outcome more likely to happen.  You tend to be a bit optimistic like that.

**> Vriska: Equip cutlass.**

What cutlass? You most certainly do not see a cutlass leaning against the window.

You do however see your die set on the floor.

**> Vriska: Equip six-sided die.**

You lost the other five die a long time ago.

**> Vriska: Check on lusus.**

You had nearly forgotten today was the day.  The time has come.

You would peer out the window, but that would ruin the moment.

**> Vriska: Go downstairs.**

You make your trek through the tower with blinding speed.  You’re at the bottom and outside before you even know what happened.

**> Vriska: Be sad about your lusus’ death.**

What?  Why would you be sad!?  And beyond that why would your lusus be dead?

She just gave birth to a bunch of little babies.  Don’t be so melodramatic!

**> Vriska: Say hi to the babies.**

Your lusus helps you climb up onto her back with her tail and you stride over to them like you’re the hottest piece of shit and flash them a warm grin.  They all look like miniature Scorpionmoms.  So adorable.

You’re a little surprised at their size actually.  Given how large your lusus is in comparison to you, you thought the babies were each going to be at least as big as you, but you could probably fit all six of them on your back yourself.

They are all very wary of you at first, and you just keep smiling warmly at them and hope it makes them feel more at home.  Your lusus lets out a sound and curls her tail a bit.  It seems to make the babies less afraid of you now, but they still won’t approach you it seems.

That’s fine.  You won’t push them.  One day you’ll be able to show them proper how welcome they are into your family.  You really hope so, at least, because they are all so, so cute.  Even though trolls don’t really have a concept of family.  Whatever.  Fuck that noise these babies are your new family and that is final.

**> Vriska: Head back inside.**

Yeah you suppose you’ve startled the young long enough for one day.  Your lusus is starting to sound riled up, probably some weird lusus’ parental instinct or another.  Lusus are strange creatures to have such instincts.

You make sure to double-time it down her back so she can’t fuss at you any longer.  She can be pretty mean when she wants to be.

**> Vriska: Examine ruins.**

They’ve always been there.  Broken and pointless.  You believe they will one day play an important role in your life, but you know that’s just wishful thinking.

You give the crumbling frog statue a stern nod of respect and head back inside.

**> Vriska: Tell someone the good news.**

You feel like bragging.  After giving your trollslum a good once over you decide on Kanaya effortlessly.  Because of reasons.

**> Vriska: Brag to Kanaya.**

\--guidingAspiration [GA] began trolling truculentChampion [TC]\--  
GA: Hey Kanayaaaaaa.  
GA: Guess what.  
TC: I See I Must Now Traverse The Vapid Pools Of The Archaic Tradition Known As The Guessing Game  
TC: Unfortunately I Don’t Think I Would Ever Get The Answer Right By Mindlessly Spewing Forth Possible Outcomes  
GA: Oh fine I’ll just tell you!  
GA: Geez, you’re no fun at all!!!!!!  
TC: I Apologize For Not Meeting The Appropriate Level Of Fun To Meet Your Standards  
TC: Would This Be The End Of Our Friendship  
TC: Question Mark  
GA: Yes, Kanaya, this is the end.  
GA: It was great knowing you, 6ut then you just had to go and ruin it, didn’t you?  
GA: How could you do this to me, Kanaya?  
TC: Is This Where The Show Of Sarcasm Ends  
GA: I dunno a6out you, 6ut I could have kept going on for a while.  
GA: That was a good show despite the a6rupt ending.  
GA: You’re getting 6etter at this, little 6y little.  
TC: I Suppose So  
TC: So Did You Actually Have Something To Say To Me  
GA: Oh, yes!!!!!!  
TC: Just Look At All Those Shout Poles  
TC: This Must Be Something Exciting  
GA: Hell yeah it is!  
GA: My lusus gave 6irth earlier today!  
TC: What  
TC: Can Lusus Even Do That  
TC: Is That A Thing Lusus Can Do Now  
TC: I Was Not Aware Of This Reality Until Just Now  
GA: Yes, lusus can get pregnant. :::/  
GA: And now she has a 6unch of cute little lusus 6a6ies!  
GA: And they are soooooo adora6le.  
GA: 6luh.  
GA: I am going to die from the cuteness overload.  
TC: I Was Also Not Aware You Could Die From Too Much Cuteness  
GA: Kanaya, I was exaaaaaagerating.  
GA: I don’t think anyone can actually die from cuteness overload without some kind of majyyk 6eing involved.  
TC: I Know  
TC: I Was Being Flippant  
GA: Oh wow, you are getting 6etter at this!  
GA: I couldn’t even tell you were joking.  
TC: I Have A Question  
GA: Fire away, Miss Champion.  
TC: What Exactly Is A Lusus  
GA: Huuuuuuh?  
GA: Didn’t you grow up with a lusus? There isn’t much more to tell 6eyond what you should already know.  
TC: No  
TC: I Was In Fact Not Raised By A Lusus At All  
TC: It Was Culled While I Was Still A Wriggler  
GA: What?!  
GA: I had no idea. That’s horri6le!  
TC: To You Perhaps  
TC: I Have Never Known What It Was Like To Have One And Have No Idea What It Would Have Been Like If I Had Had One  
TC: Maybe I Would Have Been A Completely Different Person If I Did  
TC: Or Maybe I Wouldn’t  
TC: I Have No Way Of Knowing  
GA: What raised you then? You didn’t raise yourself, did you?  
GA: I’ve heard stories a6out wrigglers that raised themselves, 6ut I never 6elieved them!  
TC: I Had Some Help  
GA: Who helped you?  
TC: Some People Who Found Me Next To My Dead Lusus  
GA: I guess clemency is a thing that exists to trolls outside our little circle.  
GA: Who would have thought, huh?  
TC: Um Yeah  
TC: Now About Those Lusus  
GA: Uh yeah, right.  
GA: To 6e honest I don’t know how to descri6e it to someone who never had one.  
GA: 6asically they’re just a 6unch of asshole fauna that raise you from wrigglerhood to adulthood.  
TC: Why Do They Do That For A Member Of Another Species  
GA: From what I’ve read, lusus are attracted to certain trolls who pass the 6rooding cavern trials.  
GA: 6y smell or something like that.  
GA: I think it’s scientifically called a symbiotic relationship or something of that nature. I haven’t quite gotten around to reading up on the wonders of symbiosis to know for sure.  
TC: I See  
GA: Is there anything else you’d like to know?  
TC: I Can Think Of Nothing As Of This Moment  
GA: Well just ask away if you ever have any questions.  
GA: I’ll 6e glad to help you any way I can.  
GA: Now I’ve got a question for you.  
GA: I answered one for you, so you should answer one for me!  
TC: I Do Not Believe That Is How Helping Another Person Works  
TC: But Okay  
TC: What Do You Want To Know  
GA: Why are you always looking for a challenge?  
GA: I’ve 6een wanting to ask that for a long time, 6ut never got up the nerve.  
GA: For example, when we FLARP together you tend to go all out in campaigns like you’ve got something to prove.  
TC: I Was Raised To Be Perfect  
TC: To Always Win And Succeed So That I May Prove Myself Useful  
TC: It Is As Simple As That  
GA: 6ut that isn’t simple at all!  
GA: Why do you feel that you need to 6e perfect?  
GA: Winning is great and all, 6ut the way you fight over it is incredi6ly stifling to watch.  
GA: Like it’s the only thing that matters, or ever will matter.  
TC: Because It Is  
GA: No it isn’t!  
GA: Okay so winning is really, really great.  
GA: I mean really great. I love it whenever I 6eat Aradia at her own game, or even one of my own!  
GA: Almost especially when it’s luck-6ased, 6ut I’m getting seriously off topic here.  
GA: Winning is not the only way to have fun!  
GA: Joking around and messing with each other is one other way.  
GA: Pretending to 6e something your not is also pretty damn enjoya6le.  
GA: I know you’re still not into text roleplaying with the rest of us, 6ut if you really just lost yourself in it, I 6et you would find it enormously fun!  
GA: Kanaya, are you still there?  
TC: Yes  
TC: Although I Do Not Know Why  
GA: Ouch!  
GA: You wound me.  
GA: Okay fine, since this is o6viously such a sore su6ject for you, let’s turn this conversation around, shall we?  
GA: Let’s talk a6out this game.  
TC: The Game  
TC: As In The Very Same Game In Which Our Secretive Friends Have Slaved Over A Fire Using Nothing But The Red Hot Irons Located There As Stepping Stones  
TC: That Game  
GA: The one and only!  
GA: Any ideas what it could 6e a6out?  
GA: Hell, do we even know what genre it is?  
GA: How little have we 6een told about this game? I’m starting to think this isn’t worth the time and effort they’ve 6een putting into keeping everything under lock and key.  
TC: It Will Be  
TC: This Game Is Important  
TC: It Is Imperative That We Play It  
TC: And Win  
GA: Ooooookay then.  
GA: Do you know something a6out it then?  
GA: 6ecause you sure seem like you do.  
TC: I Do Not Know Anything Beyond What I Have Already Told You  
GA: Yeah 6ullshit.  
GA: How do you know the game is important then, huh?  
GA: You can’t just know something like that without having the facts to 6ack it up.  
GA: What haven’t you 6een telling me!  
GA: I thought we were frieeeeeends.  
TC: I Do Not Know What You Are Talking About And I Would Not Wish To Talk About It If I Did  
TC: I’ll Talk To You Later Then  
TC: Good Day  
GA: What? Hey!!!!!!  
GA: You can’t just do that!  
TC: I Just Did  
\--truculentChampion [TC] ceased trolling guidingAspiration [GA]\--

**> Vriska: Rage!**

That snarky broad!  You’re glad to see she’s more accustomed to joking around than when you first met, but she refused to tell you anything more about this infernal game before she left and that’s not okay!

Talk of Sgrub has been driving you crazy.  Secrets always leave you feeling like you can’t be trusted or something.  It’s nerve-wracking and incredibly disheartening.

You need to cool off some steam, and you know just who to talk to to do so.

**> Vriska: Troll kismesis.**

\--guidingAspiration [GA] began trolling adventurousCare [AC]\--  
GA: Hey Araaaaaadia.  
AC: yes vriska what is it?  
GA: You sound 6usy.  
GA: Are you 6usy?  
AC: you would care if i was?  
GA: Hell no.  
AC: i thought as much  
AC: so why do i have the honor of speaking to you this early in the night?  
GA: Just need to cool off some steam.  
GA: Nothing 6etter than a good old spat with the kismesis to redirect your frustrations.  
AC: i suppose so  
AC: what seems to be the problem  
GA: Nothing you’d 6e willing to help with.  
GA: Thanks for the offer, though.  
AC: allow me to guess then  
AC: the game and kanaya  
GA: How the......  
GA: You know what? Never you mind.  
AC: neverminding aye aye!  
AC: and while youre right about not being willing to help with the game  
AC: half because i promised not to and half because it is delicious to watch you squirm so throwing tantrums  
GA: Glad to know you’re enjoying my funk.  
AC: its the best thing since that one flarp campaign where i showed you up using nothing but a piece of string  
AC: your reaction was bliss  
GA: Oh god I remem6er that.  
GA: I still don’t know HOW you managed to pull that off I mean what the fuck.  
AC: as for Kanaya though  
AC: what happened  
GA: Nothing really happened.  
GA: I mean she’s getting 6etter at the whole insincere thing, 6ut still undenia6ly rough around the edges.  
AC: you are so o6viously pale for her  
AC: its almost endearing!  
GA: 6luh.  
GA: Practically everyone knows except her at this point and I have to wonder if she’s just faking the o6liviousness.  
GA: I also learned she didn’t have a lusus growing up.  
AC: huh?  
AC: really?  
AC: oh wow  
GA: When I asked her a6out it she said she couldn’t imagine what it would 6e like to have one.  
GA: Which I get, 6ut I’m sitting here imagining what my life would 6e like without my lusus...  
GA: And I don’t like what I see.  
AC: i couldnt imagine life without mine either  
GA: I’ve thought a6out it 6efore, 6riefly.  
GA: When Nepeta said hers died when she was young.  
GA: Or whenever Gamzee says he misses his.  
GA: And I cannot imagine what it must 6e like for Sollux.  
GA: For all I rag on him for, he’s pro6a6ly got it worst of anyone.  
GA: At least Gamzee and Nepeta love their lusus!  
GA: From what you’ve told me, Sollux’s lusus is a monster.  
GA: My lusus can 6e grouchy and over6earing, 6ut I know she cares a6out me.  
GA: If she had 6een anything like what I hear a6out Sollux’s lusus...  
GA: Well, I’d rather not talk a6out it. It’s not a pretty thought.  
AC: he has been put in a really hard position  
GA: Thank god he has you for a moirail.  
AC: yeah  
AC: to be honest im not sure what he would do without me!  
GA: I dunno.  
GA: 6e evil or something? Or may6e just misguided.  
GA: Once you parse all his 6ullshit it’s easy to see he has a heart.  
GA: You just have to squint. Really hard.  
AC: haha yup thats sollux alright  
GA: Him and Karkat 6oth seem to have this thing about hiding their true selves behind a mask of yelling, name-calling, and melodrama.  
GA: I often wonder if those two are twinsies.  
AC: what is a twinsies  
GA: Oh come on now you don’t know what a twinsies is?  
GA: For shame Miss Adventurer.  
AC: well excuse me for not knowing a word ive never even seen before!  
GA: Haha, you’re fine. I’m just jerking your chain around.  
GA: I’ve 6een reading a lot of 6ooks a6out reproduction 6ecause of my lusus...  
GA: 6y the way she gave 6irth earlier today and the 6a6ies are soooooo cuuuuuute!  
AC: congratulations?  
AC: i cant say i understand how that works let alone what a baby is  
GA: Wrigglers, essentially.  
GA: They’re white and small and oh my god they are the most adora6le things ever.  
GA: 6ut anyways I was making a joke a6out how Sollux and Karkat are like twins.  
GA: A twin 6eing a genetic duplicate. Although apparently in some species you can 6e a twin without having the exact same genes.  
GA: It’s like... 6eing 6orn from the same mother at the same time makes you a twin.  
AC: so all trolls hatched from the same brood are twins with everyone else?  
GA: Not exactly. Twins is delegated to only two offspring per dose I 6elieve.  
AC: huh  
GA: You’d 6e surprised what you can get used to.  
GA: 6ooks are a great wealth of information, 6ut it can take a couple of reads to let certain su6jects settle in your think pan.  
GA: Reproduction 6eing one of them.  
AC: ill just take your word for it  
AC: i prefer seeing the world for myself not reading about it in books  
GA: And yet you fell in love with that alien language you found in the ruin near my hive.  
AC: yes well it was interesting and being interested in it does not equal defining it and slapping a label on it!  
GA: Mm-hm. Sure it’s different.  
AC: well it is!  
AC: now leave it alone because i will not relent on this matter!  
GA: Can’t we not just appreciate the fact that I likened Sollux to 6eing a twin?  
AC: well i suppose that is kind of funny  
GA: Kid loves his twos.  
AC: that he does  
AC: even though he cant stand karkat half the time  
GA: 6eing twins does not an awesome friendship make.  
AC: for shame on your grammar there  
GA: Fuck grammar. I can say whatever I want, however I want, when I want!  
AC: uh huh sure  
AC: just try saying that to the grammar patrol when they come to bust you  
GA: Oh please I can take on a few pathetic troll cops!  
GA: Especially troll grammar cops!  
GA: That would 6e a terri6le position in the empire come to think of it.  
GA: Policing people over their grammar usage.  
GA: How 6oring!  
AC: it only sounds quaint to me  
GA: That’s 6ecause you’re also 6oring!  
GA: Talk a6out a dream jo6. That would fit you perfectly!  
AC: har har  
AC: so funny  
GA: You know it.

**> Be Aradia.**


	8. Aradia Megido

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aradia is kick-ass, awesome, and not to mention happy. 'nuff said. Sollux the angst machine also makes an appearance. Wherever I write one happy character, I must write one angsty one. I am a horrible person.

**> Be Aradia.**

You are now Aradia Megido.

No seriously that’s all you get.  You’re kind of occupied right now.

**> Aradia: Stop talking to Vriska.**

You finished talking to your kismesis a couple of hours ago.

**> Aradia: Pet rock.**

This is not a rock.  This is an ancient artifact of dubious importance and it fascinates the life out of you.

**> Aradia: Stop petting the rock.**

You will stop dusting off the artifact once you feel you’ve had a good enough look at it!

**> Aradia: Examine wall.**

They appear to be covered in alien scrawl.  Or at least that’s your running theory.

**> Aradia: Collect samples.**

You’re bringing some of these babies back home.  You stick the broken vase into your sylladex only to realize you’re out of space.  Drat!

**> Aradia: Summon lusus.**

You give a quick whistle and in no time your lusus has trotted over to your position.  Remembering your conversation with Vriska you give her a nice scratch between the horns.  You don’t know what you would do without your lusus.

**> Aradia: Give Rammom a break.**

Suddenly feeling incredibly magnanimous, you take the pack from her back and opt to carry it home yourself.  You stick the broken vase pieces and your now empty bottle of water in the sack and toss it carefully over your shoulder.

Your lusus baas in confusion.  You smile warmly at her and point towards the exit.  She seems to understand your gesture and baas again, butting your leg affectionately, before turning to leave.

**> Aradia: Leave.**

Well that dig was particularly satisfying!

**> Aradia: Introduce yourself.**

Oh!  You suppose you did rather pointedly ignore the usual pleasantries in favor of your interests now that you think about it. Let’s go ahead and get that out of the way then, shall we?

You have olive blood and a cool cobalt bandana that your moirail gave you as an anniversary/thank you gift.  It’s great for keeping your hair out of your face and not to mention stylish for one of your persuasion.

You see, you like to consider yourself an in-training historiantologist.  It’s not the most lucrative career, but you’ve always been of the mind to stick to your passions.  And by god do you love adventure.  And ruins.  And dead things.

Ugh they are all just so awesome you can’t help but feel giddy thinking about them.

**> Aradia: Adventure ho!**

WHEE!!

You spend the next couple hours walking home.

**> Aradia: Arrive.**

That’s your hive.  Yes, it is just a gape in a cliff face.  Yes, the only way to get up there is to climb the cliff face by hand.  Yes, that is a green drape shielding the inside of your hive from the elements.

**> Aradia: Ascend.**

You snap your fingers and bend down so your lusus can crawl up onto your back.  Her limbs lock around your body as best as she can manage and you stand.  You grab onto a rock and begin climbing.

**> Aradia: Be distracted.**

Once your almost at the top you take a moment to glance over the horizon.  The view is quite gorgeous from up here.

**> Aradia: Be distracted x2 COMBO.**

Your lusus alerts you to the problem with a loud baa right in your ear.  You managed to keep your grip despite the ringing in your head and attempt to look over your shoulder at your lusus in annoyance, but on its way over your eyes notice the giant squawkbeast swooping down at you as though you were its prey.

Which you probably are.  Welp.

**> Aradia: Dodge!**

You knock your lusus’ hoof as a signal to hold on tight and release your hold on the wall briefly.  You quickly reach back after a second to hang back onto the rocks.  Your wrists sting a bit from the impact, but adrenaline is starting to rush through you so you barely even notice it.

The squawkbeast misses due to your quick thinking and backs up to try again.  You double time it up the cliff as it watches, waiting for a good moment to strike.  Your lusus is shivering on your back, understandably so, and you know you should make your way into your hive before her nervousness causes her limbs to become too weak to hold on tight enough.

You see a certain something peak its way out from beneath your drapery and you can’t help your excited grin.  The squawkbeast is preparing another dive.  This is going to be fun.

**====== >**

You pull out your Basic Whip from your whipkind Strife Specibus with your now free hand and throw it in the direction of the hook.  It wraps around it tight and you kick off the wall and swing to the side as the squawkbeast rams the wall where you just were.

You swing back, just in front of the squawkbeast’s dazed disposition, winding up higher on the wall.  You then swing back again and pull yourself up simultaneously, slipping past the drapery and appearing inside your hive.

Your lusus lets go gladly and rolls back onto the floor, likely playing dead or something of the like.  She can be really funny when she wants to be!

You see the shadow of the beast on the other side of the banner and ready your other weapon.

M9 Berettas, baby.

**> Aradia: Defend.**

Come into your home, will you?  Not likely.

Enjoy lead.

**> Bird: Crash land.**

You cannot be the bird because the bird is dead!

**> Aradia: Lament.**

The squawkbeast barreled into your hive right through your drapery!

Luckily apparently the process of being tangled in it slowed down its acceleration and velocity enough to keep it from ruining your accumulation of priceless treasures.

But it still destroyed your drapery!

You guess you’re just going to have to suck it up and ask Kanaya for another one because that thing was cool.

Or...

**> Aradia: Troll your kismesis.**

\--adventurousCare [AC] began trolling guidingAspiration [GA]\--  
AC: i just thought of something funny  
GA: Do I even want to know??????  
GA: Or 6etter yet: why should I care what you find funny?  
AC: a squawkbeast just destroyed the beautiful drapery kanaya made for me  
AC: i want another one  
GA: Then why are you 6othering me with this when you should be trolling Kanaya?  
AC: because i thought it would be hilarious to have you do it  
GA: Whaaaaaat?  
GA: Now why would I do that?  
GA: You messed it up, you do it!  
AC: yes but heres the thing  
AC: youre the one with an embarrassingly obvious squish on her  
AC: and you would love any opportunity to talk to her  
AC: im just giving you something to talk about  
AC: youre welcome!  
GA: What!!!!!!  
AC: go have an embarrassing conversation about fashion now  
AC: off you go!  
GA: Like hell I’m going to do what you want me to do!  
AC: well just have to see about that wont we?  
\--adventurousCare [AC] ceased trolling guidingAspiration [GA]\--

**> Aradia: Be triumphant.**

She’s going to do it.  You know her well enough.  She’s going to act all angry and defiant for a bit, but then she’ll start thinking about it and eventually be tempted by it.  The best part is that she’s going to hate herself for caving and it is the best sensation.

You’re also giving her an excuse to talk to her palecrush.  You are the best friend!kismesis ever.  It is you.

Speaking of the pale quadrant, it would appear you’re moirail is trolling you.  You guess you’ll have to clean up the area later.  You see your lusus starting to pick up the debris and quarantining the squawkbeast and drape to a singular area.  You’ll probably have to throw it outside and let it decompose.  Then you can clean it off and add its bones to the skeleton section of your cliffcavehivemuseum.

**> Aradia: Answer moirail.**

\--arbitraryGigabyte [AG] began trolling adventurousCare [AC]\--  
AG: hey aa how wa2 the triip?  
AC: great actually!  
AC: i didnt expect much out of the place but i brought back some really interesting pieces!  
AG: glad two hear you enjoyed your2elf out there.  
AC: it was really fun sollux!  
AC: you should definitely come with me next time ouo  
AG: maybe.  
AG: iill thiink about iit.  
AC: thats what you always say  
AC: until i decide enough is enough and drag your butt away from your computer!  
AG: why waiit then why not alway2 drag me off on adventure2?  
AG: then we can ju2t 2iit around lookiing at the 2ame rock for two hour2 wonderiing what the hell were doiing wiith our poiintle22 liive2.  
AC: oh please i know you dont actually think its that boring  
AC: youre just being grumpy  
AC: why am i not surprised o_o  
AG: ii am not beiing grumpy.  
AG: do ii look liike ii am fliipiing my 2hiit here?  
AG: iid liike two 2ee 2ome proof two back up the2e bull2hiit accu2atiion2 becau2e my 2hiit ii2 unfliipped and ii am reeliing at the accu2atiion.  
AC: mmhmm sure you arent  
AC: i definitely believe that  
AC: this is me believing that  
AG: oh fuck you cant a guy ju2t feel down wiithout iit beiing a federal fuckiing ii22ue?  
AC: not for a moirail!  
AC: and definitely not when youre the one feeling down so can we skip the shenanigans already?  
AG: fiine take all of the fun out of everythiing why dont you.  
AC: how are you feeling?  
AG: ii feel liike 2hiit but that2 nothiing new.  
AG: 2orry for the 2hiity 2urprii2e diid ii ruiin your fanta2y there?  
AC: whats making you feel down?  
AG: what ii2 thii2 a fuckiing 2hriink 2e22iion 2hould ii be gettiing out the 2hriink 2ofa 2o we can liive out thii2 fanta2y proper?  
AC: just answer the question!  
AG: alriight then 2hee2h no need two turn predatoriial on me here.  
AC: i wouldnt need to be so terse if you would cooperate!  
AG: you know me ii cant ju2t talk my feeliing2 out ii need two lead iintwo them.  
AC: and you know you wont lead into them unless i goat ewe into it  
AG: goat ewe.  
AC: shush!  
AG: really now.  
AC: shuush!!  
AG: two u2 and exclaiimatiion poiint2 iim really iin iit now huh?  
AC: yes you are now answer the question!  
AC: whats making you feel so down?  
AG: iim not really feeliing down riight now ju2t fru2trated.  
AG: everyone ii2 breathiing down OUR neck2 even though we dont know a goddamn thiing about thii2 2tupiid game.  
AC: its not their fault they dont know we dont know  
AC: and you programmed the thing how do you not know what the game is about?  
AG: ii ju2t adapted 2ome technology you found iin 2ome ruiin2 two work on our computer2 ii diidnt code the fuckiing thiing my2elf.  
AC: okay but i thought you would have looked into it to know what its about  
AG: ii thought about iit but the thiing ii2: ii dont even know iif ii want two bother playiing iit.  
AC: you dont want to play?  
AG: not really? a liittle?  
AG: ii dont know.  
AC: oh come on sollux its going to be fun!  
AG: youre ju2t p2yched two be able two play a game wiith tz.  
AC: gasp!  
AC: sollux!  
AC: theres no need to bring my flushcrush into this!  
AC: im just as interested in playing the game itself as i am being able to play it with her  
AG: eheheh 2orry.  
AG: that wa2 kiind of a low blow 2orry about that.  
AC: its fine  
AC: ive gotten much worse blows from Vriska and she doesnt even know shes just guessing  
AG: two thii2 day ii 2tiill dont under2tand how you two work.  
AC: what me and terezi or me and vriska?  
AG: you and vk.  
AC: what do you not understand?  
AG: well you two are both obviiou2ly piitch for each other don’t get me wrong but you dont hate each other.  
AG: how doe2 that even work on an emotiional level?  
AG: you two carry on wiith one another 2ometiime2 liike 2he2 your moiiraiil and iim weekend steak.  
AG: iit2 fuckiing weiird.  
AC: its not really that strange at all  
AC: were rivals  
AC: thats the simplest way to put it  
AC: we like taking jabs at one another taking every opportunity to one-up each other and macking on each others faces  
AG: eheheh mackiing on each other2 face2 huh?  
AG: when diid thii2 happen?  
AC: last time i visited her hive  
AC: i initiated it  
AC: but thats not the point  
AC: the point is that were friends as well as kismesis  
AC: i dont have to worry about things like how much i say around her because i know i can trust her to watch my back  
AC: well okay i do have to watch what i say if i dont want to give her blackmail material  
AC: but i dont have to worry about her going too far with it  
AC: its a lot less stressful this way  
AC: i wouldnt give it up for anything  
AG: well iif your happy wiith iit then ii gue22 that2 all there ii2 two 2ay on the matter.  
AG: iit2 2tiill fuckiing weiird dont get me wrong, but iif iit2 what you want out of that quadrant then that2 your decii2iion.  
AG: and ii gue22 vk2 decii2iion a2 well 2iince 2he2 diirectly iinvolved.  
AC: yessiree  
AC: although it seems we got distracted from our original argument along the way  
AC: funny how that seems to happen a lot!  
AG: no kiiddiing iit ii2 2o ea2y two get dii2tracted 2ometiime2 liike iit2 not even funny.  
AG: but thank2 for an2weriing that becau2e iive been wonderiing about that for the longe2t tiime.  
AC: no problem!  
AC: now back to the task at hand  
AC: why dont you want to play the game?  
AG: iit2 really 2tupiid but ii feel liike 2omethiing bad ii2 goiing two happen.  
AC: huh why?  
AG: iim not 2ure hone2tly.  
AG: between tz2 and the aliien giirl2 iin2ii2tence 2omethiing ju2t doe2nt add up.  
AG: iit2 not liike theyre ju2t exciited two play the game.  
AG: they both act liike they know 2omethiing theyre not telliing u2.  
AG: now tz ha2 alway2 been a weiirdo 2o her iin2ii2tence ii2 ea2iier two glance over.  
AG: but thii2 aliien giirl who ii2 2he really?  
AG: but ii thiink the more iimportant que2tiion ii2: how doe2 2he know about the game at all?  
AG: there2 2omethiing really 2u2piiciiou2 there ii can tell.  
AC: your right that is strange  
AC: actually  
AC: to be honest  
AC: shes the reason i found the game!  
AG: what? how?  
AC: well i was trying to get to know her by talking to her  
AC: and i mentioned my interest in archeology  
AC: she asked if i had ever seen any frog statues  
AC: i told her that yes i had a friend of mine lived near one frog ruin and my kismesis lived near the another similar to it  
AC: we got into a brief conversation about what a kismesis is but after that she asked if i had ever explored those particular ruins  
AC: i told her that yes i had and she asked if i had found anything interesting in them  
AC: i had as a matter of fact and had brought them home with me and she hmmed and changed the topic  
AG: 2ee what ii mean iit2 2u2piiciiou2.  
AC: not too long after that terezi started asking me all about what i had found in those ruins  
AC: you may have a point sollux she may have influenced terezis interest in the game!  
AC: but that doesnt make terezi the alien nor the game inherently evil  
AG: ii thiink maybe you under2tood me wrong.  
AG: ii dont thiink theyre eviil.  
AG: 2omethiing’2 ju2t not addiing up.  
AG: liike how doe2 2he know about the game?  
AC: maybe she played it before!  
AC: it would explain how she knows a lot and why terezi has asked her to avoid spoilers  
AC: or even if she didnt play the game herself maybe her species created it or something  
AC: i dont think its as complicated as youre making it out to be  
AG: okay but then why are they beiing 2O iin2ii2tent about iit?  
AG: okay okay 2o maybe tz ii2 ju2t exciited about playiing the game let2 a22ume that two be true for the 2ake of argument.  
AG: for what rea2on could the aliien po22iibly want all of u2 two play 2o badly?  
AG: a2 ii 2tated before 2he ii2nt even goiing two play her2elf!  
AC: well if my theory about it being created by her species is correct then that could be her reason right there!  
AG: ye2 but iin the end that2 ju2t a theory iit2 not proof.  
AG: ugh look at what your iinfatuatiion wiith tz ha2 done two me.  
AC: my infatuation aside i still think that youre just overthinking things!  
AC: everything will be fine youll see!  
AG: eheheh you 2ound liike ff.  
AG: 2iigh ii had a feeliing you wouldnt gra2p what ii wa2 tryiing two get at.  
AC: then explain better Sollux  
AC: i cant read minds like you can!  
AG: ii cant read miind2 per 2e aa you know that.  
AG: ii can control people and watch what theyre doiing and thiinkiing and poiintle22 iintru2iive 2hiit liike that.  
AG: oh waiit ii gue22 ii can read miind2 when ii put iit that way.  
AG: well 2hiit.  
AC: sollux  
AC: did you try to mind control the alien?  
AG: dont you thiink iit2 weiird that we ju2t keep referriing two her a2 the aliien giirl?  
AG: doe2nt 2he have a name of 2omethiing?  
AC: you did try to controlling her  
AG: FUCK yeah ii diid iim 2orry okay?  
AG: iit diidnt even work 2o dont get two worked up over iit plea2e?  
AG: iive kiind of beat my2elf enough over iit already 2o youre a liittle late here.  
AC: im not angry  
AC: a little disappointed perhaps but not angry  
AG: fuck me.  
AC: sollux why did you try to control her?  
AC: i thought we agreed that was only something to be used on  
AC: please excuse my crassness  
AC: food for your lusus  
AG: yeah ii get iit ii fucked up!  
AG: ii ju2t wanted two make 2ure 2he wa2nt planniing two kiill everyone ii care about or 2omethiing!  
AG: excu2e me for cariin two much empathy ii2 a biitch!  
AC: so you werent planning to feed the alien girl to your lusus?  
AG: no!!  
AG: ii ju2t wanted two know what 2he wa2 planniing and why 2he wa2 2o ob2e22ed wiith thii2 game!  
AG: and al2o iif 2he wa2 planniing two back2tab u2 becau2e let2 admiit iit 2he kiind of 2howed up at a 2en2iitiive tiime!  
AC: did you try to read terezis mind too?  
AG: no ii diidnt!  
AG: you gave me enough of an earful when ii 2ugge2ted makiing her your2 u2iing my bull2hiit power2.  
AG: not two mentiion iit turn2 out ii cant control tz anyway.  
AG: we already had thii2 fuckiing convo!  
AC: i still dont understand how you thought that was a good idea  
AG: ii dont know eiither okay?  
AG: whenever ii get 2tupiid iidea2 liike that iit ju2t 2ound2 2o fuckiing logiical at the tiime.  
AG: my mutant braiin cant 2eem two come up wiith good iidea2 on iit2 own they alway2 end up warped twii2ted or fucked up iin 2ome way or another.  
AG: iit2 liike ii need 2omeone holdiing my fuckiing hand or iill fall flat on my face ontwo a piile of corp2e2 of my own creatiion.  
AC: sollux  
AG: ju2t get comfortable there becau2e iim not goiing anywhere!  
AC: sollux!  
AG: 2orry.  
AC: dont apologize its okay  
AC: damn now i wish i had stopped by your place on the way here  
AC: its okay sollux  
AC: im right here for you  
AC: shoosh  
AC: take deep breaths sollux  
AC: feel free to ride me if it makes you feel better  
AC: lets breath together here  
AG: ii uh kiind of already wa2.  
AG: 2orry.  
AC: oh  
AC: so thats how you knew exactly when i arrived home  
AG: 2orry.  
AC: stop apologizing sollux  
AC: shoosh  
AC: i don’t mind it when you ride me because i trust you not to actually do anything  
AC: just tell me when you do?  
AC: that would be kind of nice  
AG: ii knew you were goiing two get home 2oon and diidnt want two iinterupt anythiing before that happened  
AG: 2o ii ju2t tagged along iin your head untiil ii knew you were home  
AG: whiich by the way ii2 a complete dump how much 2hiit do you have 2ta2hed away iin there?  
AG: al2o niice fiight wiith that biird.  
AC: it is not shit!  
AC: they are priceless artifacts of varying importance thats all  
AC: better than all the wires you have decorating your hive  
AC: and thank you im quite proud of that feat myself  
AG: what no ii need that 2hiit for iimportant 2tuff not bull excrement-e2que rea2on2 that iinvolve 2ome 2tupiid dead 2peciie2 of aliien that u2ed two iinhabiit thii2 planet before iit became a troll breediing planet.  
AG: and youre welcome.  
AC: hey you could be insulting our certain alien friend with these comments!  
AG: eheheh 2omehow ii doubt that but whatever.  
AC: feeling better i take it  
AG: much how the fuck do you do that were not even in per2on.  
AC: empathy probably helps with that  
AG: one of iit2 few good u2e2 how about that.  
AC: having powers isnt inherently a bad thing you know  
AC: you just need to watch out for how your use your powers  
AG: ii gue22 but then agaiin ii kiind of 2uck at beiing able two tell good u2e2 from bad u2e2.  
AC: well its a good thing im here to help!  
AG: amen two that.  
AC: are you good now?  
AG: better than ii wa2 a 2econd ago but iim 2tiill agaiin2t playiing thii2 game.  
AG: even iif ii couldnt control her ii can 2tiill feel her feeliing2 from here.  
AG: whenever 2he talk2 about the game 2he get2 really 2ad.  
AG: really really 2ad.  
AG: the kiind that can give a guy liike me doubt2 about whether or not thii2 ii2 a good iidea.  
AC: i can see where youre coming from when you put it like that  
AC: flarp is also a high risk game maybe something bad happened in her game like it can in flarp  
AC: or something happened to her species if were going along with that theory  
AG: maybe but ii 2tiill dont liike iit.  
AC: okay i need to need to clean my room here because miss alien mentioned something about needing a lot of room for the game  
AC: which makes little sense but if its an action rpg like flarp is which terezi has eluded to it being like then i suppose it makes sense  
AC: actually that would make a lot of sense as to why we need to be in our own homes if its that kind of game  
AC: anyways be sure to walk around and stretch and clean up a little too okay?  
AC: youre okay now right?  
AG: iim fiine now ii gue22 ii ju2t really needed two get that out of my 2y2tem.  
AG: talk two you later aa.  
AC: well talk more later  
AC: bye  
\--adventurousCare [AC] ceased trolling arbitraryGigabyte [AG]\--

**> Be Sollux.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not posting a chapter in what, a month? Something like that. Life sucks, what else can I say? It's pretty much the end-all of excuses. That and "sorry, I forgot" but I actually didn't forget about this story. I just wasn't feeling well. Reading the comments again really helped me push myself, though. Thanks people. <3


	9. Sollux Captor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sollux is a woobie, Nepeta hates his guts, and trees have dicks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My god Ao3 hates Nepeta's quirk. I hate to re-edit this thing at least a dozen times before it FINALLY accepted her freaking dialogue. As in something about her quirk caused Ao3 to delete her dialogue. Fuck my life.

**> Be Sollux.**

You are now...

What do you mean you don’t want to be you?  You have to be you!

Okay now enough of the theatrics you can stop with the colorful language.

No I will not fuck off and burn to a crisp in a firery pit where a mythical figure resides and I most certainly will not suck your bone bulge.

Oh come on you were being so sociable with Aradia just now.

What do you mean she’s your moirail and she gets a free pass from your charming personality?

We’re brain leaches who want to watch your every move, give us some respect!

I suddenly miss scorpion babies.

Yeah well, fuck you, too.

Okay that’s it, we’re not being this moody guy, let’s name this bastard instead.

**> Be Eridan.**

Your name is...

Oh you have got to be kidding me.

Sorry Eridan, you’re going to have to wait.

Just like... keep doing whatever it is you’re doing.

We’ll get back to you in a bit.

**> Be Sollux again.**

So are you going to behave now?

Okay then.  Why couldn’t you just be this cooperative a second ago?

Bipolar disorder, right, why didn’t I think of that?

No no, I’m not making fun of you. I know what that’s like.

Let’s just move this along, shall we?

So your name is Sollux Captor.

You are apeshit bananas at computers.  You know everything there is to know about computers and all of the codes.  All of them.  You are a totally sick hacker and most people agree that you could even be considered the best of the best.  You feel like you could be better though.  It’s one of a large number of things that you kind of beat yourself up about for no very good reasons during debilitating bipolar mood swings.

You have a penchant for bifurcation.  You tend to split everything into the colors red and blue or black and white and shit.  Everyone else thinks it’s really weird, but that kind of organizational tactic makes you feel more at ease.  Like you got this shit.

Oh yeah and you also have cerulean blood.  Sometimes you feel like that makes you better than some others even though you know it doesn’t.  It’s one of the many thoughts you have that sound so fucking rational in the moment, but in the grand scheme of things is really fucking stupid.  Sometimes you just need someone there to tell you you’re stupid.

**> Sollux: Stand.**

Aradia did tell you to go stretch your legs, but all you really want to do right now is code something.  Yeah fuck that you’re just going to do what you want to do and code all day.

**> Sollux: Obey your moirail.**

You suppose you really should.  You’ve kind of been glued to the computer making sure this string of code has been adapted correctly.  You still can’t bring yourself to analyze it properly and spoil the game for yourself.  Because while you are really, really nervous about what could happen when you start playing the game, you’re also really kind of excited.  You’re not sure why, you just are.  You were probably infected by everyone else’s excitement or something.  Damn empathy.

You stand and can tell immediately you’ve been sitting far too long.  Fucking goddamn legs who told you to be weak pieces of shit.  You slowly make your legs carry you window-ward and take a peek outside.

**> Sollux: Say hi to lusus.**

Fuck no.

**> Sollux: Clean.**

So apparently you need some free space to play this game proper?  Like hell you’re going to bother with that shit.  The shit is equally uninterested in you and you both have a mutual agreement to fuck off.

You don’t need to clean this room anyways.  You have plenty of others that are completely barren.  One of the perks of being a highblood, you suppose. You toss the idea around in your head for a second and admit that it’s just a simple fact you’re expressing with that sentence and not that stupid self-gratification bullshit you feel sometimes that’s stupid.

**> Sollux: Descend.**

You suppose you could head downstairs for your little walk.

You have no destination in mind you’re just kind of mindlessly following your moirail’s suggestion.

Hey, at least you can’t kill anyone like this.  Haha.

That’s not funny.

**> Sollux: Greet lusus.**

Sure, why not.

You leave the long staircase midway through your descent and onto the platform leading outside.  You’re still drenched in darkness when you step outside as your lusus is blocking a majority of the moonlight.

He kind of rawrs at you and you stare blankly back and then he stares back with both of his one eyes and you both just end up in a kind of staring contest for what had to be a couple of minutes.

Then he rawrs at you again and you are so done with this non-existent conversation.

He’s probably hungry or something.  You don’t have anymore trolls in, ugh, storage, so you and Aradia are going to have to go out and FLARP to rack up the body count here soon.

**> Sollux: Stop sulking.**

Why don’t you pull your head out of your protein chute for a second and walk a lifetime in your horns?

But yeah you suppose you are being kind of a wet blanket here.  You can try to reel it in.

Heh.  Feferi would like that pun.

**> Sollux: Construct doomsday device.**

You may be stupid but you would never create a doomsday device of your own volition, knowingly or otherwise.  You’re more likely to build something to save the world than destroy it so fuck off already.

Also because you can’t build shit worth crap.  You are the best hacker.  It is you.  But you cannot touch a gear or canister of oil without it exploding somewhere down the line.

Calibration is the easy part.  The hard part is building the damn thing in the first place.

Not that you’ve tried.  Ahem.

**> Sollux: Head back.**

Okay that’s enough time to go back, right?  You’ve been away from your computer far longer than you’d like.

**> Sollux: Ascend.**

You’re sure to flip your lusus off on the way up.  He lets out another earth-shaking rawr that lets you know he thinks the same of you.

Fucking goddamn lusus.

**> Sollux: Equip shurikens to Strife Specibus.**

You pick them up all at once because why not.

**> Sollux: Consume honey.**

Why would you possibly want to do that?

You cultivate this honey so as to pacify your lusus somewhat.  You tend to use it as a buffer between when he gets hungry and your next FLARPing campaign.  Unfortunately the bees are unable to cultivate enough to satisfy him permanently due to his size.  And the only things he likes to eat is mind honey and trolls.

You’re... not actually sure what mind honey would do to a troll.  You don’t think you care enough to find out either.

**> Sollux: Feed lusus mind honey.**

You fill and drag a drum of the stuff down the stairs carefully.  You end up tripping because fucking stairs, but it’s fine because his hand is suddenly inside the building and pulling the drum outside.  Of course he left you to tumble down the stairs.  Why are you not surprised that your lusus is a grade A tub of grublard.

That should at least keep him quiet and complacent for a while until you can go FLARPing.

**> Sollux: Code.**

You actually don’t have any projects on standby right now.  You finished up the Sgrub adaptation two days ago, and pulled a quick double check all of yesterday.  You kind of don’t have any ideas to put into motion right now.

Oh wait.  You think you just had one.

You spend the next couple of hours agonizing over exactly how to get your idea to work.  If your hunch about how this game is dangerous is correct, this code should help alleviate your nervousness a little.

**> Sollux: Be trolled by someone.**

Huh?  Who’s trolling you while you’re in the middle of coding?

Whoever this is is going to seriously regret...

Oh.  It’s her.

**> Sollux: Answer troll.**

\--thespianAmateur [TA] began trolling arbitraryGigabyte [AG]\--  
TA: :33 < *ta saunters into the mean guy’s lair with reckless abandon*  
TA: :33 < *she pawnders the possibilities of what this jerk is up to at this moment*  
AG: hii np  
TA: XOO < *the shecat hisses at ag’s sudden entrance*  
TA: XOO < *she also hisses at that horrible nickname!*  
AG: look do you have anythiing iimportant two 2ay two me or are you ju2t goiing two roleplay the entiire tiime?  
TA: :|| < it’s called having fun!  
TA: :|| < something you apparently don’t know how to do!  
AG: are you kiiddiing me ii know what fun ii2 what do you take me for 2ome kiind of douchenozzle?  
AG: what do you want??  
TA: XOO < i only wanted to ascertain that you have no intention of doing something bad!  


**====== >**

You can’t do this alone.  You need to call in some back up here.

**> Sollux: Seek help.**

\--arbitraryGigabyte [AG] began trolling auspexAnagoge [AA]\--  
AG: hey tz do you thiink you can help a guy out here?  
AG: tz?  
AG: are you there?  
AG: what kiind of au2pii2tiice are you your not even there.  
AG: bad enough ii have two fuckiing au2pii2tiicii2m2 goiing on at the 2ame tiime the lea2t you can do ii2 be there when ii need you.  
AG: thii2 ii2 BULL2HIIT iim 2o out.  
AG: me22age me when your back or 2omethiing?

**====== >**

Well that plan was a bust.  And it looks like she’s getting more and more catty by the second.

Maybe you should just dive right in, consequences be damned.

**====== >**

TA: :|| < hello  
TA: :|| < hello???  
TA: XOO < ugh are you seriously ignoring me?!  
TA: XOO < purrhaps you are purrcrastinating beclaws my instincts were correct!

**====== >**

Yeah there’s no way that’s happening what were you even thinking.

**====== >**

\--arbitraryGigabyte [AG] began trolling conciliatoryGrifter [CG]--  
AG: hey ff.  
AG: uh do you thiink you can help me out?  
AG: becau2e your moiiraiil ii2 kiind of barkiing up my tree riight now.  
AG: the fuckiing thiing ii2 goiing two fall down here 2ometiime 2oon and iit2 not goiing two be my fuckiing fault.  
AG: let me gue22.  
AG: youre not there eiither riight?  
AG: oh fuck you guy2 2ome au2pii2tiice2 you two are.

**====== >**

Where the fuck is everyone?

Oh well.  Whatever.  You can deal with this.  You don’t want to bother your moirail after that travesty earlier.  Looks like this is all you.

You are so fucked.

**> Sollux: Answer Nepeta.**

TA: XOO < are you even still there???  
TA: XOO < what is wrong with you just leaving in the middle of a confursation like that?!  
TA: XOO < *ta grawls menacingly at the impawlite bastard standing in front of her*  
TA: XOO < answer the question! *she demands*  
AG: look ii ju2t got dii2tracted for a 2econd.  
AG: 2orry.  
AG: dont fliip your 2hiit leijon liife happen2 two the be2t of u2.  
TA: :|| < my droppings are purrfectly stationary thank you very much!  
TA: :|| < now answer my question!  
AG: well fiir2t of all what you 2aiid wa2nt a que2tiion.  
AG: iit2 more liike an a22umptiion than anythiing.  
AG: and you know what they 2ay about a22umiing thiing2.  
TA: XOO < uh no???  
TA: XOO < i dont really care what *they* have to say about anything!  
AG: they 2ay that a22umiing make2 an a22 out of you and me.  
TA: XOO < i dont care!  
TA: :|| < if it will get you to coopurrate, then ill purrase it as a purropurr question  
TA: :|| < do you have anything up your sl33ve?  
AG: ii dont wear long 2leeve2.  
TA: XOO < THAT’S NOT WHAT I’M ASKING AND YOU KNOW IT!  
TA: :|| < why are you being so clawlessly difficult?  
TA: :|| < do you or do you not have any dastardly plans concerning this game you created?  
AG: ii dunno, do ii?  
AG: iim not 2ure.  
TA: XOO < UGH  
AG: hold on kks trolliing me.  
TA: XOO < oh no dont you dare just avoid me like that!  
AG: iim 2orry np.  


**> Sollux: Avoid, er, Answer Karkat.**

\--cholerConspiracy [CC] began trolling arbitraryGigabyte [AG]\--  
CC: SOLLUX FUCKING CAPTOR.  
CC: IF YOUR THERE DO ME THE FAVOR OF SHUTTING UP FOR TWO GODDAMN SECONDS BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING.  
CC: FUCK I DIDN’T MEAN TO PLAY INTO YOUR OBNOXIOUS NUMBER GIMMICK.  
CC: WHATEVER JUST REPORT IN ALREADY YOU VILE HORSESHITTING NOOKPIMPLE.  
AG: fiir2t you tell me not two 2ay anythiing and then you tell me two talk.  
AG: make up your miind.  
CC: YOU KNOW WHAT’S GREAT?  
CC: WAKING UP TO YOUR SASS.  
CC: IT’S HONESTLY THE BEST PART OF MY DAY.  
AG: glad two be of a22ii2tance a2 a part of your nutriitiiou2 daiily breakfa2t of captor crunch.  
CC: WARNING: ANNOYING ASSHOLE IS A MANDATORY PART OF ENJOYING THIS DISGUSTING BREAKFAST.  
AG: look thii2 conver2atiion ha2 been ab2olutely deliightful.  
AG: but ii kiind of have a traiinwreck two 2omehow ruiin even further.  
AG: dont a2k me how a traiin that ha2 already wrecked can become any more wrecked let2 ju2t a22ume leprechaun2 had a hand iin iit tho2e fuckiing thiing2 are the penultiimate triick2ter2.  
AG: 2o unle22 you have 2omethiing iimportant two tell me or a2k me iim out of here.  
CC: FUCK OFF CAPTOR.  
CC: AND BY FUCK OFF I MEAN FUCK RIGHT ON BACK HERE.  
CC: AND TELL ME ABOUT THIS FUCKING GAME WE’RE GOING TO BE WASTING PERFECTLY GOOD TIME ON.  
AG: you know what ii really needed?  
AG: certaiinly not another a22hole a2kiing me about thii2 2tupiid game.  
AG: iim not 2ayiing a goddamn thiing.  
CC: OH GOODY DISOBEDIENCE AMONG THE RANKS.  
CC: WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED?  
AG: kk youre the leader of a rebelliion that probably ii2nt goiing two happen realii2tiically for at lea2t a couple more 2weep2.  
AG: your not the bo22 of me or anyone el2e for that matter.  
AG: 2o maybe you 2hould 2top actiing 2o hiigh and miighty all the tiime ju2t becau2e your blood2 fu2chiia and youre the heiir two the entiire troll fuckiing empiire.  
CC: OH NO YOU DIDN’T JUST USE FUCKING BLOOD COLOR AS AN EXCUSE TO TELL ME OFF.  
AG: iim pretty 2ure ii diid are you bliind or what do we need two get pyrope up iin here two teach you how to functiion a2 a ba2iic troll beiing oh waiit that2 riight that2 iimpo22iible con2iideriing that thii2 ii2 fuckiing you were talkiing about here.  
CC: LIKE FUCKING HELL I’M THAT SHALLOW YOU FUCKJAMMING VOMIT-INDUCING ASSCACTUS.  
AG: a22cactu2.  
CC: YES ASSCACTUS, YOU IIN2UFERABLE PRIICK.  
AG: okay let2 back up a 2econd ii thiink were both beiing iincrediibly iimature here.  
CC: UGH, NO KIDDING, WHAT WAS I EVEN TALKING ABOUT.  
CC: RIGHT THE FUCKING GAME.  
CC: SO SPILL.  
AG: look ii really dont feel up two doiing thii2 2hiit riight now.  
AG: iive already had ff griill me on thii2 very 2ubject ju2t ye2terday.  
AG: and riight thii2 2econd leijon ii2 doiing the exact 2ame thiing.  
AG: 2o excu2e me iif iim not exactly at my mo2t wiilliing riight now.  
CC: FUCK YOU’RE TALKING TO NEPETA RIGHT NOW?  
CC: HAHA YOU’RE SO FUCKING SKITTISH AROUND HER OBVIOUS BLACK ADVANCES.  
CC: FUNNIEST FUCKING THING I EVER DID SEE.  
AG: oh fuck you liike you arent al2o all over my griimy bulge2ack.  
CC: ONLY A FUCKING MORON WOULD BE INTERESTED IN ANYTHING YOUR ROTTING HUSK OF A BODY HAS TO OFFER.  
CC: BUT IT’S LIKE SHE’S A SPIDER DANGLING IN FRONT OF YOU FROM YOUR HAIR RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE.  
CC: AND YOUR ONLY REACTION IS TO FREAK THE FUCK OUT INSTEAD OF LET IT DOWN EASILY EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN TIME.  
CC: IT’S FUCKING HILARIOUS.  
AG: hey look what were not talkiing about riight now!!  
AG: that partiicular 2ubject!!  
CC: WELL EXCUSE ME FOR HAVING FUN AT YOUR EXPENSE.  
CC: YOU’RE JUST TOO EASY TO MAKE FUN OF.  
AG: oh fuck off ii do not need thii2 riight now.  
CC: DON’T YOU TWO HAVE AN AUSPISTICE OR SOMETHING?  
CC: TROLL TEREZI AND TELL HER TO HELP HER OUT.  
AG: ii diid! 2he diidnt fuckiing an2wer.  
AG: and neiither diid ff.  
CC: OH. RIGHT.  
CC: IN THAT CASE WHY DON’T YOU JUST TELL HER SOMETHING TO GET HER OFF YOUR BACK?  
AG: ii dunno becau2e ii kiind of agree wiith her a22umptiion2 or 2omethiing??  
CC: OKAY SEE WHEN YOU’RE ALL *MYSTERIOUS AND MELODRAMATIC* LIKE THAT NO ONE HAS A CLUE WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.  
CC: LOOK, WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE ASKING ABOUT?  
AG: nothiing iimportant.  
AG: okay look iim goiing two take your adviice and feed YOU a mor2el of iinfo two get YOU off my 2piinal creviice.  
AG: tz want2 two hold a memo later twoday two explaiin 2ome 2tuff before we all play thii2 game.  
AG: that2 iit. end of 2poiiler 2e22iion. ii hope you have a niice day.  
AG: now plea2e leave me the fuck alone!!  
CC: FUCK. FINE. WHATEVER.  
CC: JUST SWAT AWAY MY OLIVE BRANCH LIKE I’M BRUSHING THE MOST GNARLED TREE MONSTER’S DICK AGAINST YOUR FACE.  
AG: kk why the FUCK would you be bru2hiing my face wiith a tree mon2ter2 diick?  
CC: IT WAS.  
CC: A FUCKING.  
CC: SIMILE.  
AG: 2ure iit wa2 kk.  
AG: 2ure iit wa2.  
AG: look thii2 conver2atiion ha2 been an ab2olute deliight.  
AG: but iim goiing two go cra2h and burn now.  
AG: later you nookcrunchiing 2hiitcrii2p.  
CC: GO POISON YOURSELF.  
\--arbitraryGigabyte [AG] ceased trolling cholerConspiracy [CC]\--

**====== >**

You are the definition of fucked.  There is no analogy or metaphor or fucking simile to describe how fucked you are right now.

Oh god who the hell else is trolling you now?

Oh.

It’s like she’s fucking psychic or something.

**> Sollux: Answer.**

\--adventurousCare [AC] began trolling arbitraryGigabyte [AG]\--  
AC: so karkat just messaged me saying you were having some problems with nepeta  
AC: and neither terezi nor feferi is around to pacify her  
AC: what sort of problems do you have with her?  
AG: ugh ii wa2 kiind of wantiing two do thii2 wiithout your help.  
AG: e2peciially after that fuckiing fiia2co ju2t a couple of hour2 ago.  
AC: sollux i dont mind  
AC: really  
AC: what seems to be the problem?  
AG: iif youre 2ure then np ii2 floodiing the chatbox wonderiing whether or not the game ii2 2omethiing of my creatiion meant for doiing 2omethiing or another.  
AC: hold on ill just ask her  
AG: what?  
AG: what ii2 2he 2ayiing about me?  
AC: AC: nepeta why are you soliciting sollux?  
AC: TA: XOO < why did he tell you?!  
AC: AC: actually he told karkat and karkat told me  
AC: TA: XOO < bluuuh  
AC: AC: nepeta what seems to be the problem?  
AC: TA: :|| < i just don’t trust him!  
AC: AC: i can assure you that while he can be misguided sollux has our best interests at heart!  
AC: TA: :|| < well excuse me if i don’t agree with those sentiments aradia  
AC: AC: yes yes well  
AC: AC: sollux vaguely mentioned that part of the reason you’re bothering him has to do with the game  
AC: AC: terezi is the one who has insisted i give the technology i found to him so he can adapt it for us to play  
AC: TA: :|| < i know but there’s no way to know if he changed something for dubious and maniacal purrposes!  
AC: AC: as a matter of fact i just talked to him a couple of hours ago and he admitted to not even looking through the code thoroughly himself  
AC: TA: :|| < maybe so but he could have b33n lying to you!  
AC: AC: i highly doubt that  
AC: AC: nepeta im afraid youre just going to have to trust in the me that trusts in him  
AC: TA: XOO < mmmmm i don’t particularly like that option  
AC: TA: XOO < and that doesn’t change the furct that he was avoiding me!  
AC: AC: yes well im afraid that is another issue entirely  
AC: AC: thank you for youre understanding  
AC: TA: XOO < blarrrgh  
AC: TA: XOO < fine  
AC: that should help keep her off your back  
AG: je2u2 chrii2t 2he2 per2i2tent.  
AC: i believe you mean purrsistent  
AG: that wa2 a fuckiing giiven youre ruiiniing the joke aa.  
AC: sollux why don’t you just try it out?  
AG: what?  
AC: a kismesissitude with nepeta!  
AG: what? no!!  
AC: and why not?  
AG: becau2e ii dont hate her.  
AC: she despises your very existence and has never once shown you kindness  
AC: im not saying its impossible or unreasonable but how do you not hate her?  
AG: becau2e ii hate all the 2ame thiing2 2he hate2 about me.  
AG: ii under2tand exactly why 2he hate2 me.  
AG: and even iif 2he2 a biitch two me 2he obviiou2ly i2nt two anyone el2e.  
AC: you could always try for a more rival oriented kismesissitude like vriska and i have going  
AG: even iif ii wa2 iintere2ted iin that iit would be dii2hone2t two her.  
AG: not two mentiion 2he obviiou2ly ii2nt iintere2ted iin that kiind of relatiionshiip wiith me.  
AG: 2he ju2t want2 my bulge two be driipiing iin the dii2gu2tiing e22ence2 of angel2 and anythiing le22 than hatred wouldnt be good enough for her 2he de2erve2 2o much more than me.  
AG: not two mentiion that iif ii diid enter iintwo that kiind of relatiion2hiip wiith her it wouldnt be on equal ground2 becau2e of the whole empathy thiing ii would alway2 know what 2he hated mo2t and how two tiick her off and 2he wouldnt have any way of doiing the 2ame riight back at me.  
AG: be2iide2 ii would alway2 be feeliing her hatred of me whiile tryiing two be a proper kii2me2ii2 and that wiill ju2t remiind me that ii dont really hate her back.  
AC: that is quite the conundrum you have there  
AG: yeah.  
AG: ii gue22 kk2 riight and ii 2hould really ju2t let her down but.  
AG: ii kiind of ju2t... cant do iit?  
AG: 2he2 obviiou2ly enjoyiing haviing a black crush and ii can feel that whenever ii talk to her.  
AG: anytiime ii feel liike fiinally lettiing her down ii 2en2e ju2t how much 2he2 enjoyiing the 2imple 2en2atiion of fliirtiing wiith her cru2h and then ii ju2t cant do iit.  
AC: you really should let her down as soon as possible sollux  
AC: especially given that shes had this crush on you for what has to be sweeps  
AG: ii know.  
AC: i can break it to her if you want  
AG: no ii 2hould be the one two do iit.  
AC: you really should  
AG: that and iim way two priideful two let 2omeone el2e do that kiind of 2hiit for me.  
AC: alright then this seems to have cleaned itself up  
AC: speaking of cleaning i still have some to do myself  
AC: these dusty urns arent going to clean themselves you know!  
AG: you have 2ome 2eriiously weird iintere2t2.  
AC: no you!  


**> Sollux: Let her down.**

Er, does it have to be right this second?  Can’t you like... put it off for a couple more hours or something?  Or days.  Or perigees.  Or sweeps.

You are so not looking forward to this.

**> Sollux: Be the catgirl.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my last back-up chapter. Fuck. That means I'm going to need to get myself back into gear here really soon and write some stuff. I'm both excited and simultaneously nervous.
> 
> I love this Nepeta has a black crush on Sollux and Sollux can't reciprocate because he thinks he isn't good enough for her plus he doesn't actually hate her and also can't let her down because she is obviously having a lot of fun flirting with her crush scenario. I like it so much more than is reasonable. I also like making him skittish around her because of said scenario.


End file.
